I Call Back All Fragments Of Myself That Got Shattered In Fear And Shame
This has been brewing inside of me for a while and can no longer wait to come out. And I sincerely share this from the most vulnerable place inside of me and ask you to receive it with love.
Since I was five years old, I knew that I was different. I had a wide perception of life and I can say that I saw a lot of injustice in the way a lot of people lived their life, treated themselves and others too, but I also had a gift. A gift that I hid from the world because it did not feel safe to share it, and a gift that seemed too difficult to love at the time. So, I packed it nicely inside of me for later use, not knowing what power it possessed.
I remember the first time I found out that my sexual orientation was different. I remember the sheer panic and shame I felt in my body and how I already then made plans to hide it and program myself to deny any part of me that liked boys and not girls. I remember the stab in my stomach whenever anyone would mention marriage, girlfriends or lovers. I knew I was gay since I was 5 years old.
I grew up in a Muslim household. I grew up knowing God, knowing love, and I also grew up knowing all the faces of fear. Fear of being condemned to a life burning in hell should I ever commit a sin. Fear of being exiled from my home. Fear of being unloved. Fear of being misunderstood. Fear of being alone. I know every face of it. Fear was my best friend for many years and my worst enemy all at the same time.
I remember getting older, never allowing myself to fall in love, out of the fear that I would have to one day say goodbye. I remember the feeling when finally started dating, how shameful I was around my body, and acted straight in order to please my inner critic. Guess what? You can straighten a rainbow!
I lived double, triple, quadruple lives and had many faces in the world and I learned how to camouflage myself and become a “grey”. I numbed out through different activities that would keep my mind from battling me 24/7, and stayed away from my family to avoid any confrontation.
Through the past seven years of healing myself, finding a spiritual path, getting closer to God and knowing what God really is – letting go of fear, and breaking the curse; that Hell is something that happens after life – I finally came to accept myself more, and love myself more. I learned that I had been living in Hell and the flames were the ones that had burnt a hole in my stomach for all these years. I have met people, teachers and loved ones that have helped liberate me, mirrored back at me the soul radiance I possess and helped me remember the gift that I was born with. My closest family has accepted me and some really old wounds have been healed, and I am ever grateful for my families openness and wide embrace. Though I am sometimes still met with an attitude that I “need to be fixed” or even exorcized from my “demonic possession” – I am strong enough to understand where this comes from and how it has nothing to do with me. The demon is the one speaking behind this ridiculous statement!
Recently, a strong voice has been screaming back at me from my heart. There is more to be told! I have said many times that I would never walk a pride, because I felt so disconnected from the crowd of people that show up in the parades. That I did not recognize myself in that crowd. Now I understand that what I was saying was a judgement, based on fear and avoidance. I have not been proud of who I was. I have not been proud of being gay. I have been scared shitless of standing tall in this aspect of me that also has shaped who I have become. I have never openly made a post like this, speaking up for gay rights or my own right to live openly and honestly. I have denied my own freedom. I did need this more than anything!
Last week I had a strong visual experience of the knot that has been residing in my chest since I can remember. It revealed to me all the ways I have exiled this part of myself, cast away my power and sovereignty in order to make peace, hid from the world in order to create a sanctuary. Instead of building sanctuary I had built prisons. This vision further instructed me to write about my feelings, and wipe myself clean of any shame and guilt. This is what I am doing. It instructed me to be the voice of many, who are hiding away their personalities because of shame, guilt, fear and disgust. This is what I am doing. It told me to hold forth a torch for the weak to follow through their darkness. Coming from a place of privilege, growing up in a country where my sexuality is not a crime or disease, and having the opportunity to pause button my life to dig into myself, also came with a responsibility. This is why I am sharing.
Our sexual energy is the strongest energy that we have, and it is the basis of our life here on earth. Why deny it? Who did I ever offend being gay? Who could ever love me less because of this? Why am I not worthy of heaven – whatever that means? Why do we keep pushing away things we do not understand? What gives you the right to judge other people’s sexual orientation, color, belief and creative expressions? Why do we keep building prisons instead of heavens?
THIS IS WHO I AM.
I stand forward today and for the rest of my life as a HONEST and OPEN being, and trust me when I say: MY LOVING EMBRACE IS WIDE AND DEEP.
I am willing to forgive each person that has ever told me wrong, and has ever offended me in any way. Knowing what fear is, it can take time to untangle yourself from its grip. I am willing to forgive anyone who has ever shamed me, or put me in a box. Boxes are meant to be broken. I am willing to melt away any fury, anger or resentment in love and show you who I have become, and remind you that there is a different way. I am willing to spend my time sharing my journey and listening to yours.
I am not the new messiah. I am not any different from you. I am not more special, gifted or radiant then you. I simply accept myself, love myself and believe in my own potential more than ever, and will no longer hold myself back to please or feed anyone fears.
I ask nothing from you except your understanding and your compassion. I do not expect you to put aside your beliefs and accept this, but I do ask you to reconsider your judgements. Nobody chooses their sexuality, gender, color, aspects of their personality and gifts. We either accept them and learn to live with them in harmony, or we spend a lifetime struggling. I choose harmony. What about you?
With this statement, I will no longer excuse myself. From this point forward I will wear my rainbow tail with pride and honour. I have been given a quest in this life and I accept the challenge!
I reclaim my sovereignty.
I reclaim my power.
I call back all parts of me I have ever denied, cast away or exiled.
I reclaim my peace of mind and the peace of mind for all of humanity.
I call back all fragments of myself that got shattered in fear and shame.
I shine a blazing light upon that fear and shame to dissolve in bliss.
And so it is, blessed be.
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