Undo Conditioning — Letting Something Greater Than Me Take The Driver Seat
My heart cracked last night and I felt warm salty tears cover my whole face.
It was like an opening. Like some small door inside the walls of my heart opened up and rainy tears began to flow like a river down my cheeks.
I was supposed to laugh as I was watching a comedy movie, but instead, I stopped the movie and allowed myself to weep tears of invisible grief and pain. This is not the first time that something like this has happened to me, and sometimes this kind of teary explosion can even scare me as it comes out of the blue.
I just had to allow it all. I put down my laptop. I turned down the lights. I lit my violet candle and I held myself very tight as something within me was being realeased now with a louder cry. Then I closed my eyes and entered the meditation space within my heart to have a glimpse of what was going on in there.
I had one quick thought that came out of nowhere: “I have never evaluated my love I have been given to others — especially to men — as something valuable. I have instead sold my heart so cheap so many times.”
Tears began to fall even more with a greater intesity. My heart felt like it was undergoing surgery, opening up layer by layer. Suddenly physical pain was surfacing. I felt tightness and deep pain surrounding the whole area of my chest.
It was like my heart was contracting and expanding at the same time. I let it happen. I had no other choice.
In these moments, I am not in charge. Something greater than me, deeper than me takes the driver’s seat. I just watch if I am not being completely taken away by what is happening within.
For the first time, I truly felt like my heart was speaking to me. It was sending me messages and I had to sit and listen. Like really listen. And so I did.
My heart told me that I had undervaluated its worth and its love so many times by beliving my repetitive thoughts and belief system. It said that it is the mind that needs the healing the most. Once the mind gets healed in its depth, the heart will hurt less and less.
My heart spoke to me about how awarness of my belief system gives me premission to be in charge, instead of allowing self-sabotaging thoughts to take over and ruin my life in many ways.
It also told me that true self-confidence is not something I gain from somewhere or learn from anyone. It is something that comes as a by-product of being deeply connected to the depths of my soul and operating from that place.
This cracking of my heart made such a big noise and on purpose, for me to listen.
I am beginning to understand more how my heart functions: anytime it brings tears and a sudden weeping time, it means it has come with messages for me to listen to. And act accodingly.
I would have never thought of my heart as a messenger that brings news I may not be aware of.
We have been conditioned to not listen to our hearts but to our logical and analytical mind.
We have been conditioned to not listen to our intuition.
We have been conditioned to listen to society and to act as it says.
We have been conditioned to disconnect from the depths of our souls, because some adults taught us very wrongly about life and living.
We have been conditioned to believe our minds and, while they seem like our property, they are actually just a bunch of voices that have been put inside our heads since when we were little kids.
If we dare to look at our belief system and acknowledge its many distorted thoughts, we will come to see that 99 percent of the voices in our heads are borrowed by other people who left strong imprints within our psyche.
To undo this conditioning, I believe, is the whole purpose of life.
It means we have great work to do within our heart and minds.
We need to go there and see what is going on, how and why, in order to understand ourselves better and lead a more fulfilling life.
I will have to warn you though — diving within the psyche is not easy. It is not. Period. It is a journey filled with so many layers. Once we peel one layer, the other appears. Sometimes we have to get back to a layer we thought we dealt with and deal with it again watching it from a different perspective.
But nonetheless, this journey is a blessed one. Because every second it takes us closer to our essence. With each step, we get to know who dwells within. We will discover the many facets of our personality and a deep, silent ocean in our center.
I call this the “Journey of the Heart,” for this is what it is.
I guess we will all come to this point in life sooner or later — the heart and its love are what keep this world together, anything else comes and goes.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.
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