By Annie Mueller HOLY FIRE

Unearth The Voice That Keeps Singing & Be The Amazing Thing

authentic self

BY ANNIE MUELLER

I know it’s in there.

The haunting, the desire, the voice you can’t unhear.

I hear it, too — louder sometimes than others. It is the best, most annoying and infuriating and blessed thing I’ve ever heard. It is life. I can’t stand it, usually.

Situations when it is less loud:

  • In a crowd
  • On social media
  • During small talk
  • At a party
  • With alcohol
  • On a Netflix binge
  • On a YouTube bender
  • In my emails

Situations when it is more loud:

  • At night, alone
  • In the day, alone
  • Falling asleep or staring at the ceiling
  • Reading a book
  • In a deep conversation with one or two friends
  • On a long walk
  • On a long drive
  • In music
  • In poetry
  • In the mundane chores that occupy my body but leave my mind free to wander
  • Anytime my phone is not in my hand
  • Anytime I take a deep breath and look hard at something
  • Sitting in silence, even for a moment

I’m going to write as fast as I can right now, because right now I can hear the voice — the current, the energy — and I can hear all the layers on top of it. Is this enlightenment? Is this awareness? It doesn’t feel like I expected. It feels like losing my shit.

What is this thing with feathers that perches in the soul?

And why is it covered in so much crap?

Time to wade into the muck so I can find it, see it, maybe hear it long enough to remember what it tells me.

I don’t know how I know, but I know it sings of my salvation.

Let it out, release it, bring it to light: because I am fucking tired of this poverty of living — rearranging internal boxes of bullshit, falling again and again into helplessness and victimization and situational self-pity and codependency and waiting on something amazing to happen.

I want to be the amazing thing that happens.

But also I’d really like to numb out, take it easy, let somebody else do all this work of shoveling out the shit. But that doesn’t work. I’ve tried it. You open up the doors, let somebody else come in to do the work, and they end up bringing in their own loads of crap.

I’m the only one with a shovel here.

I don’t know what my truth is yet but I’m going to find it.

The cliff I jumped off was the cliff of finding out who I really am and what I really want and that’s what I’ve been doing for what seems like a long, long time.

Nothing is more important than knowing and being who I am.

Also, nothing is more terrifying.

Self-disintegration, turns out, is the road I have to walk toward my own true, long-buried identity.

The path itself is predictable: What’s the thing that makes me feel safe, that wraps me up in an identity I can easily label, quickly define? That’s the thing I need to walk away from.

See? Simple.

The path feels chaotic not because the step to take is unknowable or confusing. No. It feels chaotic because of all the voices swirling, all the screaming of emotions and ego and expectations doing their best to keep me from hearing the one voice.

The deeper voice.

The only voice in the whole shitstorm that is actually mine.

The voice that I actively avoid. The voice that I bury with busyness. The voice that I muffle with distractions.

The voice that never screams, never demands to be heard. It whispers. It sings. And in the quiet moments, when the distractions fade, I hear a note. I hear the rhythm of it. And it wakes me up and shakes me open and terrifies me like nothing else, and I want to run away, and I’ll die if I don’t hear the whole song.

So I pick up the shovel.

And I keep digging my Self out.

Photo by Guilherme Stecanella on Unsplash

For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.

Sip a little more:

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Everything Is Change, Baby & Trust Is How You Can Actually Live

"The essence of your beauty does not lie in the shape of your breasts or the height of your cheekbones. It is not found in the flatness of your tummy or the roundness of your ass. The essence of your beauty lies in your ability to unapologetically own all of your pieces and lovingly embrace your whole self." —Jessica Basken of @rivermoonyoga ➵ Sip a little more from Jessica's magic here:
http://bit.ly/2ihYQAc @kayharr73 @ladypantzz @tanyamarkul @thugunicorn

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Annie Mueller

Annie Mueller is a writer, reader, seeker of growth, and transplant to Puerto Rico, where she lives with her husband and four children. She got a crash course in what really matters after experiencing job loss, a hurricane and its aftermath, and major surgery, all in less than a year. After many years as a business and finance writer, she's branching out into work closer to her soul. She believes that nothing is wasted; every moment has a gift, and you can't miss what the universe wants to give you. It will keep coming back around until you receive it. You can find more of her writing on her website.

  1. I absolutely love this and I feel like it could be accompanied by a part two with personal examples of what you have dug out. The screaming emotions that you hear, the ego, and, most importantly, the one voice and what exactly it does for you.

    xoxox

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