She cries and screams.
Her thoughts run wild and her heart beats faster. She goes to the edge of insanity and knocks on the door of sanity.
She falls from grace like snow from the top of the mountain. She suffers in silence at times, and shakes the whole ground like an earthquake at other times.
She demands attention…she demands to be seen. She demands to be heard. She demands to be adored and loved in ways that are yet to be written about in books. She demands to be cared for so deeply. She demands to be understood at a simple glance without any explanation. She simply demands to be grasped like air.
Could you just get her?
She demands all these from me, first all of. And she demands all these from him, her partner or companion of choice.
It is not that she is needy. She knows she needs and deserves all these in love in order for love to flourish. And since love is a two-step dance, she can’t build an empire in love alone without the total involvement and participation of the other, the man that she chooses to be by her side.
She has traveled a long way to be at this place she now finds herself. She has been working (still is) on her inner world, to make sense of her wild mind and her soft heart. She is still in the process of questioning many of her deepest fears and insecurities, as well as questioning her own thinking patterns that sometimes can sabotage her behaviour.
But she can’t stop now. She can’t. She questions everything. She questions love and what she thought it was, and what it may show up as. She questions her own thinking patterns and her outworn belief system that come from the distant graves of past memories.
She questions the meaning of life and the essence of her core. She questions everything to its very core. That’s the kind of depth she is diving into. And it is too deep there…often too dark…and she is realizing just now that not everyone she meets and certainly not every man that may desire her can go there with her.
And she is scared, certainly, but she is at such a depth, to the very bottom of the inner ocean, exploring the many fragrances of her soul, that she can’t be content with shallow any longer.
She cannot survive on the surface anymore. She cannot bloom where there is no mud and where there is no dark to be explored. She can’t. Because whatever matters to her is calling her from her depths — and only there can she meet herself in her totality.
As scary and sometimes lonely as it can feel to her, she is determined to continue her journey and move to the depths of her heart, navigating gently the subtle layers of her psyche to get to know the woman, the human, and the spirit that lives inside of her universe.
Anything less than that would probably not work for her anymore. And this is how she finds herself often — wondering if it is too risky to go about her depths or to accept less than that, with people that may not be at the same level of deep as she is…?
She loves and she still questions if her love is strong enough and if it is motivated by her ego or by her spirit…and so she is learning to tell the difference between the two.
And she is learning to become aware of her own shortcomings and her own flaws, her own pain and raging rivers.
She does not deny the strong feelings that run through her veins like viruses…she acknowledges all and she gives each of them space to be. She is finally realizing that she is not perfect and she need not be.
But still, her diving is deep…she is not scared as much as before of what she might discover at the bottom because she has hit rock bottom before in her life and she found pieces of her broken spirit floating all over her inner ocean in separate directions. And so she slowly gathered a few of them and put them together like a divine gold cord that connects her spirit to the Mind of the Universe/God.
But there are still lost pieces of her spirit floating in different directions, trying to pull her attention back to them so she can realize she needs all of them in order to be whole and healed — so she does not collect broken people and give love to broken men in order to heal herself.
And sometimes this diving is painful…sometimes transformative…sometimes colorful and sometimes happy.
She is, nonetheless, committed to continuing to explore the depths of her colorful spirit so she can reconnect with who she is and live in a total authenticity — and surrender to her soul.
Sip a little more: