I am a love addict. I always have been, ever since I can remember.
Now the time has come to admit it to myself. I acknowledge the dysfunction within my outworn belief system and work within to allow my inner dark demons to show up as they are so they can be healed. For they are nothing more than heavy energies that carry emotional wounds from my childhood, or even past lives.
There was always a picture of a boy or a man in my mind that would falsely make me feel loved — or that I hoped and longed to complete me or make me feel worthy.
Love has always been the puzzle of my life. I never admitted this to myself.
Or perhaps I could never be as aware as I am now of my own old habits and thought patterns when it comes to love and relationships. I bleed pain and ache when I am in a relationship. My mind becomes muddy, messy, and I become so preoccupied with the new person that has just entered my life.
I become obsessed with thoughts about him and a part of me feels like it wants to control the outcome without giving me a chance to breathe into the present moment when the other is not there close to me.
I begin to obsess about all the ways he calls or texts and how he communicates with me. I begin to feel the emotional chains that attach me so strongly to the object of my affection.
This is how I lose myself. This is how I abandon myself. This is how the dysfunctional dynamics in a relationship begins for me. This is how I come to realize through inner pain that I am the love addict and he is either the love avoidant or the emotionally unavailable man.
The more I cling to him — or rather to my image of him — the more things seem to break apart. The more I cling to him and to my image of him, the more I lose myself. The more I forget myself in him.
And this is how the pain builds its net within my chest and my heart bleeds. This is how I disappear into someone that I may not even know all too well. Because my heart is so weak and my mind filled with hopes of love, that I completely ignore any possible “red flags” that show up as soon as the communication with a new man begins.
I completely ignore any possible flaws or not-so-positive traits of their personality that would show up more in the long run and thus ruin my dreams of love.
It is not easy to acknowledge these suppressed parts of myself I have kept in denial. I had placed them in the darkest corners of my psyche. Never really opened the closet to see what’s inside. Because it feels too insane to watch this dark movie that goes on inside my head.
My thoughts become darker than usual, I begin to bend, my knees become very shaky, and I risk falling on the ground. I lose my sense of self. I lose myself thinking 24/7 about the other, his happiness, and what I can do to make the relationship work.
I try hard and I call it love. I try more and I call it sacrifice. I give more than second chances and I call it love. And it aches me. And again I call it love.
He gives me false hope and I excuse his actions. He says one thing and acts differently, and I tell myself to give him another chance and I call it love.
I stress myself with obsessive-compulsive thought patterns, in hopes that they will help me come out of my inner hell — not realizing they are the hell themselves in which I’m holding on for fear of falling, of being rejected, abandoned, and alone. In my mind, I think it is better to hold onto a toxic relationship than to let go because that would add another failure in my romantic relationship department.
Now I see clearly my thoughts pattern and habits when it comes to a relationship. Now I see the cycle of destruction that eats my mental and emotional health slowly.
My head is exploding with thoughts running like mad horses wanting to get out of the cage I have put them in. I can’t let them go. It’s safer inside of them because I don’t know what would happen if I let them go.
Maybe my relationship would go. Maybe I would disappear. Maybe I would find myself again searching for a new romantic partner to come and meet my core needs because as a child I suffered, for none of my needs for being loved, safe, and secure were met.
It is a living hell.
I don’t listen to the intuition and the wisest part of my being. I listen to this energy habit that goes on and on in the same repetitive cycles of destruction. And so I cease to exist and it hurts. It aches like no other pain. My heart area hurts, my chest gets frozen, my hands become dry, my face pale, my blood changes color, my legs sore! I cannot sleep. I fantasize about him or another new relationship if he does not meet my needs.
I don’t know how to love myself, on an emotional and deep level. I have tried and I have failed. I have lost myself and found myself. I have lost myself again in a new lover and I have found myself after losing him.
And the cycle goes on and on and on — and I am so f*cking tired because no one taught me how to love myself when I was a child. No one taught me that I mattered as a child, that my feelings mattered, that my emotions were valid. No one saw me. Not even my parents. I never felt seen in my childhood. I felt utterly alone. I felt alien and I disliked myself for feeling so different from other kids.
I tried to please my father so I could get a hug or a kiss from him. I tried hard. And I never succeeded, so I was an angry child almost all the time. The only time I felt at ease was when I played outside.
Then, growing up, I tried so hard to get excellent grades at school and I failed. Then I pushed myself harder and my grades became excellent when I entered high school. Then I studied in two different universities and got two diplomas. I became a reporter. A well-known reporter — but the emptiness inside was still following me like a ghost.
None of what I did or achieved fulfilled me. It actually made me even more empty. I could never cover my inner pain and aching heart.
Then I started to obsessively search for love and for a man. Man after man after man. And with every man I dated or got intimate with, I repeated the same patterns of behavior based on my belief system. And those relationships failed. They were bound to. There were no pillars of strength to keep them together. They were empty, toxic, dysfunctional, or superficial. They brought up all my inner issues.
I chose those dysfunctional relationships so I could see my own patterns of thinking. I chose those men as facets of my inner darkness that I could not recognize otherwise. Because of them, I could see what I was getting into and why I was putting myself down constantly, by having lovers that never loved themselves and did not know how to love me.
I did not know how to love myself either. Two blind people trying to get love from each other because they were unable to love themselves.
The fear of not being good enough, the fear of being rejected, or being abandoned and alone always terrified me. Because underneath these fears was another deeper layer of a deeper fear — having no worth. Being completely worthless and that would mean ceasing to even exist.
My childhood wounds are still screaming from the depths of my inner ocean, moving like raging waves wanting to reach the shore to be released and gone. My father was always an emotionally unavailable man. It was really hard to penetrate his heart or to make him see me as a child. I always felt a sense of being rejected, neglected, and not truly loved by him.
I was a deep child. I took to heart every behavior of his, not knowing what it was about. And the result came later on in my adult life.
All the men I have loved or pursued are a sum of my father’s personality and remind me of him in many ways. And all these men have been unavailable to me, emotionally, mentally, and even sexually. And I starved. I starved myself while loving them.
With all these muddy waters I have often put myself in…I still feel thankful for the pain I have been going through because it has opened my eyes to see my own patterns and belief system. How it all comes from my early years, how I was loved, and how I felt about myself.
It is time I dig deeper into my unconsciousness and reveal to myself the hidden aches of my inner child, reassuring her that I am here to love her and meet all her needs. That, as an adult, I am here to see her, listen to her, truly care for her — and take her in my hand and caress her long, blond hair that was messed up in the wind when she was little.
It is time I break the cycle of repetitive patterns and attracting the same kind of men and relationships.
Because in my hearts of hearts, I know I deserve to live the most amazing life I have ever lived on this planet, and deep in my core, I know I came here to heal all these wounds. To be whole within and to experience an amazing, enriching, and passionate love as I never have before.
And it takes time, but I will take all the time I need; hence, I am here. My main purpose is to heal myself at every layer!
And pain has its own way of working. Our souls have their own agendas of how to wake us up so nothing is lost. And no wound can damage us forever. We can grow from each wound and plant the seeds of happiness where there was ache.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.
Sip a little more: