I Am Mother. I Am Home.
I’m realizing on some new levels, and in a deeper way, that the “mother” I cried out for when I was a child was not my biological mother. I thought I was crying out for the only mother. Little did I know I was crying out for “mother” who resides inside of me and is of the Earth and Universe (all creation).
I was a very sensitive child. I realize now that I was sensitive to others’ energy. I am an only child. When I was put around other children at school who laughed and played roughly without a care of when they were going home, this scared me. They seemed like a bunch of crazy little monsters who had freaking lost it! I felt bombarded and like I had to get out of there by any means possible to get “home” — to get back to homeostasis. Every day in kindergarten my main concern was when I was going home.
I realize now that those children who I did not understand were children who were allowed to grow up in a way that they were connected to the nature of life without fear. They were growing for the most part in Pachamama, Mother Earth/mother inside/home inside themselves because they were not so hyperaware of fears, particularly fear of abandonment.
I was taught that “home” was an outside thing to obtain. And to make it home and not be abandoned would mean ensuring that my mother would take pity on me and not be so distracted nor so frustrated and overwhelmed that she would leave me there.
There were so many rejections, so many things I did wrong, so many ways I knew I was a nuisance, and so many places where I felt abandoned already, and left empty and scared and screaming. I felt left in cold institutional spaces with no one who could understand me. There was no one telling me how to get out of there, out of that prison, and toward home. Everyone seemed distracted or mad.
I couldn’t understand why no one else was worried about when/how they would go home. I thought everyone was insane, I had no control, and there was very possibly no way out of there.
I panicked and stayed emotional all the time because I thought I was living in a cold dark world of crazy people who forgot their way home and didn’t care anymore. I feared what I didn’t understand, which was everything and everyone around me.
If someone was kind and showed some empathy or sympathy toward me, I latched onto them like no one’s business. I thought, “Yes! This one still remembers! Maybe they can help me get home!”
Thus, this is why even today I still trust kind people way more than others. I still do have that sense that if someone is empathetic/sympathetic that means they still have their mind, and their system is still connected to source, and therefore they are still able to lead the way. Unkind or unaware people seem unstable and full of erratic chaos, and it is still my instinct not trust them.
I have grown up to know that chaos is also holy creative energy, and have made friends with the unknown, the mystery, that which I do not yet understand in people. (I actually love it when people are really different or weird.)
Now I know way more clearly that when I feel that longing for “home” I am really in need of spending time with myself. The feeling, panic, or fear of abandonment, I feel as an alert. It’s like a notification telling me that there is a message that I need to know. The way for me to get to the “message” awaiting me is through my being alone and quiet and in privacy for some amount of time.
I may catch clues to or parts of the message while driving or while somewhere else where I have some kind of space, but I really find the bulk of it, and feel it most when I’m alone. I finally know that there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just how I am.
When I get overwhelmed by being around other people, it’s because there’s a natural, crucial time allowance to receive needed messages, guidance, or understanding. People and people’s energy, they disturb that for me. I feel the need to get to a private space away from them immediately.
Over the years I have learned a lot about how to stay in my “home” and homeostasis, even when around really erratic people. I have even craved more training in this. Throughout my life since my early twenties, I’ve put myself around situations where I would be bombarded and overwhelmed purposely. And I’ve even loved those situations and the people involved the most!
But for the most part, I know that I don’t have the “training” to handle being in prison, or somewhere around people all the time. That looks like my next lesson. The ability to handle chaos and people’s energy and attention around me all the time, and still be able to operate as my self and receive messages.
I’m adventurous and love to constantly challenge myself in this arena. We have so much and so many to train with in this life! Geez! It’s exciting and this excitement is the feeling that drives me in this life.
This is how I’ve turned my sensitive, empathetic, and fearful ways into tools for my growth. I’ve experimented with altered states and some sensory alterations. I love other cultures and being places where I am immersed with that which I do not know but want to.
In this life, as a sensitive person, I cannot see living in any other way than the way of challenge and mystery. I believe in the power of stepping into the unknown, going towards my fears. I’ve seen the results. I would not live any other way. I guess the tables have turned. Now, I’m quite sure that I’m considered to be the crazy and free-natured one now.
To me, if I’m not going towards being busted open into some more of me, I’m not really living. And, if I’m not really living, I cannot bring life to you either.
The main thing I fear now is being stagnant and not really taking in and experiencing all that life can show me while I’m here.
In this way, I’m completely different from when I was a scared and unstable little girl. But really, I’m the same sensitive, super-alert, imaginative person that I was when I was a little girl. I just learned how to work it for me in this life.
I’ve found that you have to live the depth, living your fears in order to understand them. This is the way to bring the light into the rest of life. Only through the light of understanding can we be the light that breaks through fears for others. This is the way I live now. I’m both in the light and reside in dark underground of understanding.
In the end, we come to know that the dark eventually runs into the light. Because one cannot be without the other. Because it is all a circle. We are all one circle. The darkest, scariest thing you can possibly dream turns into a place where it begins to become light again. We are all one, one circle of love/life/God — yes, everything! Therefore there is no-thing to fear.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith.
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