By Amisha Ghadiali
It’s often easier to numb our feelings than to really feel them. I have never had that option, although I have tried. Feelings pour through me, be it tears or ecstatic joy…
I feel them all dance within me.
These emotions are simply energy in motion. Once created, they can’t be uncreated. They must flow.
Often, I have been told to calm down, or laughed at uncomfortably when sharing my suffering. From a young age, these reactions have led to a pattern of isolation when expressing my darker or so called “negative” emotions. I’ve learned that my pain wasn’t welcome — each time my heart wanted to release sadness, it had my own judgement, shame and anger thrown back at it.
Without knowing how to work or release my emotions in a safe and grounded way, I’d often hurl them out, hoping that others would have a magical way of making them disappear.
I’ve lost many friends who got freaked out along the way.
I often thought there was something wrong with me because I felt all of this suffering — suffering that others around me didn’t seem to feel or didn’t share that they did. This suffering — sometimes my pain, sometimes the pain of who’s in front of me, and sometimes the pain from the many horrendous things happening in the world.
Until recently, I still had deep embarrassment remembering some of the places and situations in which I have cried.
I’ve learned quick and smart ways to deal with my emotions — how to get back to happy as quickly as possible. That place where I am accepted, productive and light. But on my quest to burn through each negative emotion in rapid time, I was creating and internalising more of these negative emotions in the process — emotions that were accumulating into extra layers of self-disdain and ready to leak out whenever they had a chance.
We have become scared of our darkness, but we always need both the darkness and the light. The darkness isn’t anything to fear, for it’s our wounds that create our wisdom.
Isn’t it amazing to remember that every single person we know has the same emotions and needs as us? Each emotion and need may have different strengths or ways of expression, but ultimately we are all the same.
From your parents, to your colleagues, to everyone squeezed onto the bus, to the people you see on news footage around the world, we all suffer, and we all can love.
Part of what we are here to do is cultivate compassion for each other. We must also do this for ourselves.
Now when I am hit with a wave of darker emotions, I let them dance through me. I focus my attention not on trying to work out what is wrong, but on being compassionate with myself through the dance.
I create a soft space with music and candles, or give myself time in nature to feel, cry, and scream.
Compassion is simply acceptance of the moment and of the pain. I know that all I have to do is surrender, hold space for it, and breathe with it. Breathe all the way into the back of my heart. Breathe deep into the ground I stand on, and trust that my beautiful body is releasing something that I am now ready to let go of, for my own healing and as an offering to the collective healing.
We are here to grow, and this growth has its own intelligence if we get out of the way and let it.
Trust in your darkness, and trust in the light it illuminates.
Featured image: amisha.co.uk