Howl for me, Wolf-Woman!
Howl for me, Wolf-Woman! I see so many people in pain in intimate relationships. They are looking for someone to complete them, and soon after the honeymoon phase, darkness abounds.
How do we face the darkness and get back to what we are really hungry for… loving ourselves deeper?
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Your use of the words “darkness” and “deeper” is absolutely perfect, as the wild one in all of us relishes the mystic dark and knows the greatest soul-lessons are found there, in our depths, in our still-bleeding wounds and our so-shunned shadows. I believe most relationships are sacred in that they help us harvest a part of ourselves we buried in the dark, quite out of social or physical necessity, and I believe certain relationship woundings occur, and often reoccur, because we will accept nothing less than absolute, ego-destroying agony as a catalyst for our soul-growth.
The wild in all of us yearns for wholeness, and it is the soul’s singular goal to be integrated into the ego, to be known, and to be liberated. So, yes, we are absolutely “hungry” for deep, self-love. We are positively ravenous for our own authenticity, and we may be so famished we seek out relationships we know in our bones are ultimately doomed but, in the hours, months, or years before the relationship’s death, we may just be affected in such a way that we become more of whom we are meant to be.
I believe that a critical mass of initiation exists in our soul-work; that is, once we have harvested a certain amount of our dark and brought it up, out, and into the light of consciousness, once some of our wounds are viewed as sacred, some of our addictions are healed, and some of our shadows are integrated, it becomes impossible for us to not live out our soul’s purpose in this life.
Wild ones, of any and all genders, will do whatever they can to reach that critical mass. We will risk everything to get there, and we will willingly put our fragile, red, raw hearts on the chopping block more than once.
Relationships, for better or worse, are the context within which much soul-work takes place. We are, as you said, looking for completion, but the pieces we are looking for are locked within our own psychic depths. I think we often need another human being to illuminate/trigger/awaken our missing pieces so we can call them out. In my life, I can see how certain painful relationships, both romantic and otherwise, have been part of my soul’s jailbreak, a sort of elaborate escape plan designed for the parts of myself I caged in the dark during childhood, namely but not solely vulnerability and rage, to bust free. Once I named these parts I used to perceive as terrible, once I stopped trying to ascend feverishly toward detachment and enlightenment, I really could “love” myself “deeper” because I could actually see, feel, and know who I was in the absence of my ego’s grip.
The ego is good, but it can be limiting. The ego is how we function in our world, how we enact our sacred work, how the feminine in everyone embraces the “Mother” aspect of the Triple Goddess archetype. The soul wants to be known, but the ego wants to protect. The soul wants to be wild, but the ego wants to be in control. The initiated wild in us understands we need the soul and the ego to hold hands if we are to fulfill our purpose in this life, and to love ourselves deeply does mean to go into the fertile dark womb of “soul” and seek out the great mystery of Self over and over and over again.
A relationship is an energetic, between-soul connection. I have a theory that even a sacred relationship does not change or alter the individual souls in any way except in very extreme and rare cases, but it does make parts of each soul more visible and, by extension, expands and reshapes the ego. I also believe there are destructive patterns in people, many of which are born from the inability, either perceived or actual, to live out their own soul’s purpose, and these destructive patterns manifest as repetitive abuse of others and other acts of ego-madness that should not, in any way, be framed as soul-growth.
We are not only our wounds. We are not only our shadows. We are not only made of what’s hidden in the dark, and, ultimately, if we choose to seek partnership with another person, we have a soul-mandated responsibility to show up in that relationship as authentically as possible. If we expect the other person to be genuine, we too must bring to the relationship all we have learned about ourselves. We have a right to expect they will not carve their wounds into our skin, and we must try not to do the same. We show them the most updated version of our ego we have, and we remember the lessons we learned on that ego’s birthday.
The wild feminine will settle for nothing less than soulful authenticity, knows the darkness as holy, and, in the absence of another accessible and relevant means of learning, will use relationships as teachers.
To the wild one who, in your words, is consistently “in pain” in “intimate relationships,” I would say define this pain and trace it to its root, to the best of your ability.
I would say know yourself as divinity embodied, trust that you have the energy of God/dess/dex vibrating in your cells, and harbor an in-the-bones knowing that you deserve nothing less than constant validation of your beauteous, blessed, unruined soul.
I recommend reading Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin; he describes the “sacred wound” and how it is enacted and repeated in relationships. A sacred relationship wound is, at its essence, a gift because it allows for soul growth through ego-softening, and, in the end, we are all seeking wholeness with all that we are and every resource we have.
Many blood-curdling howls to you, my love.
Yours in wild love,
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Read last week’s Howl for Me, Wolf-Woman!:
Looking For Some Guiding Wild Wisdom
Sip a little more from Danielle’s medicine:
➵ Witch, Howl Moonward:
The Timely Salve Of The Dark Primal Feminine