BY JANNA LOZOW
We all have wants that aren’t being met. We all have wounds that need to be healed. Each and every person I have encountered has these two things in common. The wants may be simple and the wounds may not be visible, but if we dig a little deeper we will find them.
Currently, my longing is for a child, even if it scares the shit out of me. I feel as ready as I’ll ever be to face the unknown challenges of motherhood. My husband doesn’t feel ready for this role, but our relationship has grown stronger because of this painful difference.
We have sat and truly listened to each other. He has done this for me way more times than I have done it for him. We’ve argued, agreed and disagreed. We’ve reached a point where I agreed to trust him. To trust that the time will come for him emotionally and financially so we can take this huge step together. This has not been easy, you see, trust is a skill that I’m developing pretty late in life.
But my wound seems to deepen when I see acquaintances, friends or family and hear, “So when are you planning on having kids?” To which I respond with a smile, sarcasm or a short summary of what I just told you. And let me tell you something, people can say the most insensitive, ignorant and stupidest things. On a weekly basis, I hear advice such as:
– You should just trick him and get pregnant. He will fall in love once it’s his.
– Aren’t you worried about your age? If you are planning on having two, you should get started.
– If I were you, I would start trying because you never know how long it will take.
– Money is just an excuse. Kids don’t cost that much in the beginning.
– Just do it, because the older you get the harder it is and you might as well just get over with it.
– Isn’t he worried that all his friends already have kids and you guys will end up not having any friends?
If I’m having a good day, I laugh. If I’m having a bad day, I choke. It feels like people are just adding lime to the wound.
Recently, I had a full blown breakdown when one of my closest friends said one of the comments above. I couldn’t handle it. I started to cry and I couldn’t stop. The loneliness of feeling misunderstood makes us believe that we are the only people with this type of pain. That nobody knows what it feels like to live with our specific longing it tends to isolate and separate us from the world.
So how do I put on the band aids? How do I make it stop burning so much? How do I stop feeling so lonely and misunderstood?
My answer to this used to be to avoid baby showers, brit milas, birthday parties, and other children events, so essentially avoiding my friends and family.
But today, my answer is to have compassion towards others. I know nobody is out there to hurt me. People can’t always see my wounds no matter how much it hurts, and the things they say are coming from their “truths”.
So I’m beginning to give people what I wish they gave me: kindness and compassion on their journey.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith.
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