BY KELLY KARL
I have learned that many answers to life’s greatest questions lie deep in the darkness.
If we want to change, we need to understand and embrace all parts of ourselves in order to feel whole and complete. These neglected parts crave to be loved and integrated, unified with self. Feeling separate, these parts rebel and cause us angst.
For me, the discord of this separation manifested as fear of not being good enough, perfectionism, procrastination and self-sabotage, the need to control, and the belief that people were automatically against me until I gave them reason not to be (just to name a few).
I used these as obstacles to hold myself back from greatness. I’d been aware of many of these blocks for quite some time, and although the awareness was helpful, I never really understood what was driving them and I struggled to release them.
As I peeled away layers, making further discoveries in the basement, I eventually landed in the sub-basement. What I found there contained the answer to my questions and prayers. I found that there was a part of me, deep down, that didn’t feel worthy of life, of love, of greatness and abundance.
The more miraculous part of this discovery, however, was that I realised that this one false belief, which was the result of conditioning that had taken place before the age of seven, was the root of every single one of the obstacles I had been facing regarding holding myself back.
Interestingly, the concept of unworthiness had come into my awareness several times before that moment in the sub-basement. A number of therapists, healers, and even friends who had encountered it themselves, had suggested to me that I look at it. I didn’t believe that I had it.
Have you ever experienced a time when you deceived yourself, and a part of you knew what you were doing, but for some reason it seemed easier or somehow better, so you convinced yourself it was the right thing to do?
This was not that. It was so completely unconscious that I truly didn’t believe that I had it. Then one day, I recognised it in myself. I don’t know why it took so long, why I didn’t see it when others had pointed it out. Maybe I needed to discover it for myself and maybe my ego needed to be in a place to be able to face it.
Once recognition is present and fully embodied and embraced, it can be healed. There is work to do to re-wire the conditioning and to reverse the limiting behaviors that have become habits, but even just having the awareness has changed my perception, and with this, my entire life is shifting.
I know I’m not alone in this. I believe everyone has some feelings of unworthiness to a degree, and I suspect that many people, like me, are not aware of it and the impacts it has on every aspect of their lives. I also believe changing ourselves is the key to changing the world we live in.
Imagine how your work life and relationships would be different if you were able to receive love and abundance wholeheartedly, and if you viewed the world as for you rather than against you.
What changes would you make for yourself and for the world if you were free from keeping yourself small?
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life: BS-Free Wisdom to Ignite Your Inner Badass and Live the Life You Deserve.
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