BY KATE ROSE
Within the early fog of morning, my eyes still hazy from the amethyst dreams of what if, I stop to pause, realizing — it’s not life without you in it.
Perhaps there were moments where I wanted anything but that to be the truth, where I bought and sold lies to my own self in an attempt to hang onto life as I had known it. Not necessarily because it had been what I’d always wanted, but because it was safe.
It’s incredible how long “safe” can masquerade as desire when our unconscious is left out of the situation.
But then came you, and everything changed.
And now there isn’t a dream that I have that you’re not in. When I sit and think of what the future may hold, it’s you and your golden eyes that are there right along with me creating pages of memories. Stirring up chaos and blessed moments within a life that others told us could never exist.
That was always us though, wasn’t it? Dreaming of a wholehearted love that everyone else said we were foolish for believing in. And maybe we were foolish, but not for the reasons we thought.
For us, perhaps it began when we thought we could just walk away from one another, never realizing that we were already dancing along our path of infinity. And even when we felt far away, we still were forever connected, making our way back to the place where our stories would intersect once again.
Now that we have, it seems my greatest problem is how could we ever separate, because it’s simply not life without you in it.
Where would the magic come from if it were not for the way our story seems to rival the most profound of love stories? Where it truly is as if the entire universe continually conspires to bring and keep us together.
I never expected you. I never knew that you were out there, and although I think I had hoped for it since I was a little girl laying on her back staring at the stars on quiet summer evenings, nothing in life prepared me for you.
And now, part of my struggle is that I no longer know where I end and you begin.
I can feel your heart miles away, and your soul continually keeps me up late underneath the full moon, whispering to me secrets your lips still can’t speak. Perhaps I never really wanted it to be you, but now that it is, the truth has shifted and I know it can’t be anyone else.
At times, it seems as if you were born with a map of my heart written like braille upon your soft fingertips. And through all the chaos and darkness we stumbled through, you were able to read me unlike anyone else ever has.
You can silence my restless spirit with just the gaze of your eyes, and keep me grounded enough so that I don’t fly away all together, with the way you always say what I need to hear — even if my ego still writhes uncomfortably in the truth.
It’s you. It’s been you before I even knew you and now I’m realizing it’s not life without you.
Who else is there to talk about the moon with? What other man would wake each morning, reading the bits of poetry or thoughts I had sent while the stars danced overhead, actually understanding and wanting more of the rambling meanderings that my mind creates out of nothingness.
Perhaps I can’t say what will happen tomorrow. While I know love changes just as the seasons do, I think the thing that scared me for far too long is that I know our love would never die or change into something we both felt no longer fit.
And that thought scared me down to my bones, shaking from fear as I clutched my cold hands around my warm and beating heart, because I’ve never had something that was so incredible that I feared losing it.
Yet that’s the thing, as much as unanswered questions may litter the ground between us, I don’t actually fear losing you because I know that we will always be one another’s North Star. Like a compass, we’ve continually pulled at one another’s subconscious, drawing each other back into our atmosphere traversing the mountains, overwhelming in their fear and denial.
No love story is great because it’s easy but rather, because of the obstacles that have to be overcome to make it a reality. You may be my last, but you are also — more importantly — my only.
And while I have fought and raged against the reality of you, now I feel myself simply relaxing into this place where it feels like maybe, just maybe, we are reaching the point of it all.
I am yours.
Not because anything has actually made it so, or because of any rules that man has made up — but because, in so many ways, I am seeing that I was born into that reality. Maybe I’ve been yours since my first breath and perhaps that is why I know I will be until I draw my last.
Maybe we never wanted to believe in this kind of love. Maybe we thought we would never receive it, or worse, that we didn’t deserve it. But then life happened and blessed us with the very thing we thought was impossible.
You make life what it is. You make it better, radiating in color, taste and touch bringing more to everything around us. You give me direction, somehow providing roots and wings at the same time. You are my faith, my hope, and my love — and while I know one day all of this will be just a memory, I know that you won’t be.
Someday, all of this will become nothing more than a moment in a love story we never expected to write.
Because not only is life not life without you in it, love isn’t truly love without you.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith.
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