Howl for Me, Wolf Woman — You Deserve A Lover Who Will Be There For You


Howl for Me, Wolf Woman! I’m In Love With Peter Pan

I am on and off again with my baby’s father. The “off” again is mostly on his terms, when he decides to leave, or needs his own space, but I’m always there for him, and allowing him to pretty much do whatever he wants. Because I don’t need a defined relationship from him, but I’d love a relationship with him that is open and has clear communication.

We go apart, then eventually find our way back to one another, as we are good friends, but the moment we bring intimacy back, he’ll soon flutter away.

Any advice would be appreciated. Help me see what I cannot, please!

. . . 

All blessings to you, dear-heart,

A woman’s epic love story is full of such joys and losses, fleeting satiation and anguished longing, and I am hearing you wanting so badly to sink into the cyclical romance of it all, to gift him with the freedom he is telling you he needs and, in turn, keep yourself from becoming dependent on an unreliable lover. There is a unique comfort in creating such boundaries, I think, especially for an independent mother-warrioress like yourself, but it seems you are wanting a rationale for his Peter Pan behavior. The medicine I have for you is offered, as always, from my own experience, so please feel completely autonomous and only take to heart those words that seem to truly suit your soul.

First, I want to affirm, and affirm loudly, that you deserve a lover who will be there for you, as honestly and authentically as possible, as much as you are willing to similarly show up for him. Relationships are crucibles for transformation. You are not completing him, and he is not completing you. The relationship is an entity in and of itself, and it has a purpose unique to each of you. Ask yourself this: If this relationship was some great and famous “course” you had signed up for, paid your hard-earned money for, what lessons would you be learning, and are they worth it? You are investing your time, your energy, your psychic resources, and much, much more into this relationship. This man is taking up valuable real estate in your heart. Is the time you spend together so nourishing that this dear price is justified?

It may well be, mind you. As a woman who values her sacred solitude nearly as much as she values intimacy, I am certainly not judging your choices; they are choices I myself have made, to have a part-time love so perfect it did not need to be full-time, to have thick-built walls around my heart so I could not feel vulnerable, to tell myself I was fine with a lover who left at daybreak so I might sink my soul into my sacred work instead of sunlit passion.

Our great lovers make us feel more ourselves. They amplify those hidden and as-yet buried parts of our souls, our shadows and wounds as often as our wildness and our desires, and they support our evolution toward becoming more full and genuine. These lovers do not heal us or make us whole; the relationship itself supports the integration of those mysterious aspects of our psyche we named wrong during childhood but the relationship names right.

Does he make you feel more you, or do you feel as if you are a younger version of yourself when you are with him?

He is your baby’s father, but you have not spoken to whether his fickle behavior toward you translates into his parenting, so I will not comment on that. However, you do say you want a relationship with open communication, and I am saying yes. Yes, you deserve to have that. Without honesty, we are certainly not showing up as fully as we can in our relationships. If he is not being truthful with you, then this relationship is serving neither of you.

I do not know how old you are, how old he is, or whether either of your ages truly matter, but the patterns being set now in your relationship will stay permanent unless you permit the relationship as it stands now to die and, if you wish, be reborn in a different form. If you are not happy, let this incarnation of your love wither and fade. Open your heart to others, if you feel called, and do not feel claimed by this creature, alluring as he may be, who prefers to fly in and out of your life in perfect trust that you will always be there.

You were not born into this body for good-enough, maybe, and i-guess-so. You born to suck the goddamn marrow out of this life and this world, to come home to your joy, and to affirm with every step you take, in this walking rhythm, “Fuck, yes. I am love.” Because fuck yes, you are. You have the right to love out loud and be loved in return. If you feel called, I recommend reading Wild Mind by Bill Plotkin, particularly when he speaks about the “flying boys:” “With their fear of falling, [these flying boys] prefer to fly above difficult emotions, relationship responsibilities, and the demands of life. Sometimes they manage to get away with this for long periods, especially if they’re in partnership with a caretaker or enabler…. Flawed and often puerile, but attractive and charming nonetheless.” It is not your responsibility to educate him on love, to invest more of your emotional energy on this already unequal relationship, and, while he may well grow into the partner you are wanting him to be, he will likely need to do much of this growing on his own, in the air.

Know that I am howling for you, my love. Blessed be the unruined heart.

All blessings to you,

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For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends Danielle’s Woman Most Wild is available on AmazonBarnes and Noble and IndieBound.

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