BY KRISSY VANALSTYNE
Who am I when I’m no longer led by the wounds that are all I have ever known?
Who am I when I stop fucking running away and shutting down every time I feel unsafe?
Who am I when I stop letting that inner child act like a brat every time she doesn’t get exactly what she wants?
Who am I when I say I’m sorry, and am actually able to embody that truth into new behaviour, and not just carry the delivery of unintended, empty words?
Who am I when I can accept that what I did then is definitely not what I want to do now, and I am able to release the shame, and self-hatred for being there?
Who am I when the anger that I’ve worn as a safety blanket finally gets willingly pulled off?
Who am I when I’m able to stop the selfish act that I’m the only one who hurts, and become strong enough to see, and ease the pain in others, that perhaps even I created?
Who am I when I truly forgive the need and impossibility to be perfect or ahead of the game the way I used to need, in order to feel in control? The need from that time where my control was stolen from me, and that was the only stability I knew how to get.
Who am I when I no longer freeze when someone wants to intimately touch me or moves too quickly, because the sexual trauma from the past no longer has a grip on me?
Who am I when I can stop being so fucking terrified of real love and let someone inside the barricaded walls of what once was a brutalized heart?
Who am I when I no longer need someone to show me their heart before I can even begin to consider showing them the deeper parts of mine?
Who am I when…?
A magnificent question to ask one’s self that invites us deeper and deeper into all of what we really are. We can find who we were before our wounds and traumas masked our deepest truths that pulled us to explore our shadow self, the darkness, and the lies we knew better than to believe about ourselves. The lies that molded us in ways we thought we needed to be, to keep the hurt from coming.
May these words find their way into the crevices of your heart. May this invitation stir something awake, and invite you to your light. Come to the very magic that you are and were, before this world asked you to forget.
May we all be invited to remember.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life: BS-Free Wisdom to Ignite Your Inner Badass and Live the Life You Deserve.
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