BY KRISSY VANALSTYNE
The minute we feel violated emotionally, physically, or spiritually in a relationship, step back.
The second time we feel violated, speak up. Or, if we are really keen, we can do this after the first violation, but sometimes the first one can be blurry until the second time actually happens, creating clarity at once, for both.
If there’s a third time we feel violated and unsafe, get the f*ck out. Seriously. And do it quick. No negotiations. Just go.
People who violate us are not safe for us. Mentally, physically, or spiritually. And the more we stick around, the more increased the violations become, to all aspects of our being.
We often let people violate us, in some way, because we get lost in the confusion of what is really happening.
We’re human. I get it, I’ve been there.
Often we can be seemingly happy and safe in a connection — but then it can take a turn sideways so quickly that it can throw us off, and almost make any violations seem unreal.
It can even feel like a misunderstanding on our part because the intensity of the shift and impact it creates is sudden and deep.
The confusion that sets in can be thick. Our safety is rattled. Our trust is shaken. And an unraveling lets loose inside our being.
Maybe we even consider that we are overreacting to something, attempting to equalize the emotion that is unleashed in the confusion, and minimizing what really took place.
Was it really that bad, we think. Secretly hoping not, but instinctively knowing it’s pretty f*cked up.
Subconsciously buying time in the confusion, unintentionally/intentionally back-burnering violations, and excusing them on a subconscious level because we aren’t quite fully ready or able to see the clearest picture of things yet.
So we float in the confusion for a while, until one day. The one day when another violation strikes a nerve so deep that we cannot help but see the truth of something bigger for sure now. We haven’t been over-reacting at all, we’ve actually been right on cue.
That pit in our stomach that has been sending flutters is now sending waves of alarms through our system. Questions start surfacing even more. Odd things are increasing that are out of the norm. The whole situation is off.
We now note shifts in behavior and our stomach turns again with new findings that support a place in our beings that we felt wasn’t right.
Still not able to see a whole picture, but we kinda don’t need to. Do we? Humans are a puzzle. Stay alert, though, because pieces are shown every day.
When the pieces don’t fit or show us a picture we weren’t expecting, trust what we were feeling along the way.
Anything that makes us feel that awful pit and makes us start to question our own reality is happening for a reason.
Danger is afoot. Emotionally, physically or spiritually. Guaranteed.
There’s truth deeper than we know, that our body knows long before we can understand. It’s there whether we can prove something or not. The key is to blindly trust that which we cannot fully understand.
We often are told by our bodies that people or situations are dangerous for us before we can see why. Sometimes we can’t even see why really, it’s just a feeling that keeps looming.
And since we can’t always see it, we often question our knowledge along the way.
Be patient and surrender into trusting our own senses fully and not the words or any input from anyone else along the way.
Words can lie. Our senses do not.
Trust ourselves enough to see the trust in situations dissipating, shifting, eroding even. Trust that feeling we feel when we note how suddenly unimportant another can make us feel.
It’s not an illusion, although the excuses we can find to prove otherwise are endless.
Am I right? You know I’m right.
Trust ourselves when we begin to question different things that never once needed questioning before.
Trust all that weird shit we can’t always explain because our truth is in there. Trust.
Trust that the more weird and confusing situations are with someone, the more we need to trust what we feel in the process.
Trust the suspicion. It’s not there by accident.
Trust that pit, the subtle changes, the sheer lack of ability to love us how we deserve. Trust, and move away.
How much are you willing to trust yourself?
That question and answer will either have you in relationships worthy of your love or have you in a cycle, lost with someone else, while you both struggle to see the worthiness of your own love.
I trust my gut and heart more then I trust anything anymore, especially the words of others, because I know I can. I’m never off in my knowing.
None of us are; we just struggle to prove it, when we can be even wiser and see we need not prove anything, instead, just trust it.
Our body is well-tuned with the energy of truth. We are way wiser then we can sometimes fully understand.
If you feel someone isn’t good for you — they’re not. If you feel someone is lying to you — they surely are. If at any moment the pit in your stomach is present and a knowing says that something is off — I have no doubt that it is.
Trust our alarm systems.
We do not need to understand the alarms at first or at all, just trust the system, and move away from any and all that created the alarm in the first place.
I know it can be confusing and often we are left standing still, looking at what is now and what was then. Seeing a blur and contradiction that pulls us in two directions, but be careful because whatever led us to this space almost doesn’t even matter.
How someone acted before is not relevant to how they are acting now.
What matters is what’s here, right now.
How do we feel, now? What’s that pit all about? Is it betrayal? Mistrust? Violation? Devaluing what’s happening? Are we confused, and maybe even a little angry?
I sure hope we feel angry when we may feel any of that other shit, and when we do get to the anger, we know the damage is happening.
We can speak to it, or we can just move the hell on — or both — but do something with it. Do not ignore it. Trust it!
Love does not make us feel betrayed, violated, devalued, and confused or that awful pit in our stomach that leads to anger. There’s no loom that visits.
Love is certain, pure, and has an emotional security that is unwavering. We may feel heavy at times, but love listens and love works with us to resolve things. Love doesn’t tarnish our precious souls but that other stuff sure does. And tarnish is a danger; it dulls our very shine.
So what do we do?
Well, if we want to teach someone that this kind of half-assed love is okay with us, then please, keep accepting the crumbs and the unresolved pitted stomach and the confusion, but I hope that’s not your choice.
A wiser choice is to move these people out of our heart space because they do not deserve to be there.
Hasta la vista, baby. Our time is done.
For this heart — and that heart of yours — is second to none, and to tarnish it, any love that may have been, has now come undone.
Don’t let anyone unworthy of your heart dull its shine and if they do, leave their ass behind.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.
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