By Krissy VanAlstyne HOLY FIRE

Discover The Love & Freedom From The Pain Only You Are Meant To Feel


Let pain become the gateway to love and freedom.

There are many self-mastery secrets but one of my favourites is found in how we transcend our own pain, how we own it as ours, 100%.

When we start to accept fully that which hurts inside and learn to no longer blame or project outwardly, but instead take ownership of all that we feel — we learn how to not only navigate our systems and traumas, but also how to transcend the very pain that lives inside our hearts. And that is a huge deal as we live in a very hurting world made up of so many walking-wounded souls with hearts that need healing.

We all have grown up, to some degree or another, inside an unhealthy upbringing that has left us with invisible wounds carved into our hearts. Wounds that were passed down to us from generations before, until many of us decide it is time to end the cycle and to heal these bleeding muscles.

Sounds easy, but to those who have decided to open themselves up and feel all that is dark and painful that resides in there, as we walk into our healing, we know, it’s easier said than done. However, we also know and can say from experience, that it is still very possible. And encouraged.

A big step, in my opinion, that leads to mastery of our pain is acknowledging and knowing that our pain even exists and that it is not meant to be felt by anyone other than us.

What does that mean?

Well, when we carry around unresolved pain, we have an unknowing tendency to act rather unloving and disconnected in how we relate to others, especially inside of our closest romantic relationships, which is the pain speaking through us, asking to be known.

It’s often known in how we feel to others and how others affect how we feel too, but pain goes misunderstood at the same time. We don’t always know what is going on until we start our intimate journey getting to know how pain works and what it looks like when it is unresolved. How it feels when it’s activated.

Hurt people, hurt people, as the wise saying goes. We carry pain inside and can cast it out on others because we haven’t mastered our own love filtration system of healing just yet. We don’t even know that we can.

But we can. I promise you that from my heart to yours, as I am living proof of this truth.

I hit my own rock bottom many years ago when I didn’t even want to live. I actually felt like I was dying, as my own pain was so intense. My emotional pain had me inside one final broken hellish relationship that was mirroring back to me all I held inside. It almost killed me, or so it felt anyway. But it didn’t — I wouldn’t let it. It was then that the fire in me was re-ignited and I started to learn how to burn through all that was no longer serving me.

My fire was intense and led me to go within, to feel what I had been ignoring and masking for too long, and seek therapeutic ways to heal all the shit that lead me to finally see inside that mirror of what felt like death.

I was finally willing to see and face, what in me, had brought me to that experience of darkness mirroring in the first place.

Maybe you’re ready to see, or maybe you are seeing and are neck deep in the process; either way, know you are not alone and that this decision to learn self-mastery of our own pain takes incredible strength and endurance.

I honour wherever you are.

Mastering our pain and healing that which the pain has created in our lives, and what we pass onto the lives of others, is absolutely resolvable on a deep core level.

We just need to see what is going on and then let our intuition and heart lead the rest of the way through our “feeling is healing” journey.

When someone hurts us or does something that disregards our heart or sacred energy, it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with what kinds of energy they are carrying inside that has landed in our space.

The same goes for us.

It is not in our innate truthful nature to be careless and harmful to another sacred being, to not be heart-centered and open. However, internal wounding and trauma can show itself in the opposite to these ways. In essence, our pain then becomes pain we inflict on someone else in our unknowing, unresolved buried traumas.

Some ways to help identify if we are carrying unresolved pain, or are projecting and creating pain outwardly are:

  • Lashing out
  • Shutting down
  • Silence and withdrawal, without communicating the need to do so
  • Showing anger towards another instead of speaking to it
  • Emotional dishonesty
  • Believing that someone else is responsible for our pain
  • Numbing self with booze, drugs, sex or any other addictive behavior that pulls us away from being with our self in an unaltered state of truth

It is our job to see what we are doing and to take responsibility. We are the ones who are meant to be responsible for it, no one else.

Learning to heal our pain and move through it as it continues to arrive is one of the biggest gifts we can give to ourselves and to this world.

Pain is what so many people run from, but it is not pain that needs fearing. I’d be more concerned about the running from self we do when we continue the action of avoiding pain instead of being with it and transcending it within.

Pain is only asking to be heard and we hear it by feeling it and honouring it, speaking to it and giving it a voice.

Pain is the catalyst for our healing. Pain shows us just where we need to love ourselves the most. Pain is the invitation to grow, to become more emotionally intelligent and versatile. Pain opens the deepest connection in self and allows us to be more compassionate and loving to others who will show up in theirs.

Pain shows us exactly where we are stuck and how to open our hearts further as we stumble through learning love because that is pain’s main job — to teach us love on such a deep level. It shines a light on all the un-love so we can then see it and move through the limitations we have.

Pain highlights hidden expectations, judgments, fears, and all the things that we can move through that is limiting us from living in our truth. From loving unconditionally. To me, our love and truth are interchangeable words with the same meaning.

This is a statement from my heart to yours that captures what I mean: Find your heart and you find your truth, because your heart is love and love is the only truth there is. If that doesn’t fully resonate, keep working through the pain because it will.

When we work through enough of the pain, we find our heart at the center of it, where it has been waiting for us to find it all along.

Every time we come up against pain, we can then turn to our heart to guide us through because the heart is the compass for all pain. It is always guiding us home, ready to guide us right through all the pain. It knows the way!

So let’s be kind with one another, especially with those who may be acting out their pain in ways that hurt our hearts, and especially be kind to ourselves as we continue to navigate this often challenging journey.

Healing isn’t linear but it is possible, and learning to master our pain is a huge step in all of our healing journeys. Just admitting we have pain is huge.

Then give yourself permission to feel it. To give it a voice. To ask for help along the way. To honour what has been done to you that was never ever your fault, but is now your responsibility to heal.

May pain become your gateway to the love and freedom that has always resided in your heart and may these words be the invitation and permission to step towards that part of self that has been in the dark long enough.

For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It.

Sip a little more:

Get The F*ck Out Of Your Way — You’re Not Just Here To Admire Others Doing Big Things

Settle Down Little Sparkle, It’s Okay To Not Be Shiny All The Damn Time

Don’t Let Anyone Unworthy Of Your Heart Dull Its Shine

"Inside the flames, I am learning the hard way how to let go. It is the most fucking painful thing. Goes against all my internal programming. Every line of code ever input into my system hinges on endurance, holding on, dissociating at times, but never letting go." —Shannon Crossman of @shann_crossman #HOLYFIRE Read more: @kayharr73 @ladypantzz @tanyamarkul @thugunicorn


Krissy VanAlstyne

Krissy VanAlstyne is a fiery force. One who shows up intimately transparent in her truth, inspiring others to do the same. She does so in her private life, through her writing, and in her heart's earthly work, as a Life Coach. Krissy offers soul-level support, and guidance to those aligning with their deepest truths, exploring their darkest shadows, and who are experiencing the painful dismantling that comes with awakening. She's a woman on a soul-driven mission, an invite back to all we have ever forgotten—that we are love, that we are truth, and that we are powerful beyond our wildest dreams. She knows we are all here for great purpose, and reminds us of this knowing in the mesmerizingly complex simplicity that she continues to stand in—the fire that is her. Find her on Facebook and Instagram.

  1. This is beautifully written and exactly what I need to read today. Thank you

  2. Lynn Laumann

    Thank you for making sense of what can be so very confusing. This is so important and you helped me move towards what I need to. It is so easy to run away in whatever way we can. But feeling this pain is the way to real love. Thank You!

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