A lot of us have worked through and healed countless layers of our own pain-filled wounds. And still continue to, as we’ve embraced that healing isn’t a destination but instead, a way of conscious being.
It’s a work of love that comes naturally to us after learning how to get inside our own wounds and love the pain that lives there, intimately. It’s an art we’ve learned — making of self. We’ve sculpted many pieces together. We’ve transformed from once victim to master healer, to master art piece maker, filtering our emotional wounds through the love in our hearts, transforming them into a state of healed love. A beauty for all to behold.
Pain is no stranger to us, seeing it in self and in the world around us. We certainly aren’t afraid to face it, be with it, and love it with our hearts until it heals and transforms. Wounds are strangely painful, yet beautiful gifts to open. We know what is inside now. We know that inside a wound is just pain asking to be heard.
We know what it feels like to listen and move through its invitation to heal. We lovingly take the pain into our hearts, ensuring it’s fully heard. Fully loved. Knowing that once it is, it heals, and the pain no longer lives there.
It sets us free.
And we instinctively know what needs to be done when we see our beloved in pain, too. Wounds don’t scare us. We recognize the unattractive behaviours and repelling ways that surface as the pain escapes a wound, and lands in us. We know it’s asking to be acknowledged, to be heard, to be loved and healed.
So, we don’t turn our hearts away from the beloved who hurts us. We don’t turn away from the beloved whose pain has escaped them and landed in us to be seen. We don’t leave our beloved to suffer alone. We turn towards them and invite them to see the truth in what’s surfacing.
To see that a wound has been activated, opened up, and its pain is bleeding out. They’re in pain and it’s being shared with us to feel too. Which we do. Deeply.
Being hurt by them — feeling their pain if you will — activates the parts in us that know how to show up to the wounded bits, ready to embrace the painful yet beautiful gift of pain that a wound activation brings. We open our hearts to our beloved and prepare for loving transformation. We lean into them, move towards the pain, not away, and we love them harder. We see the parts that hurt and we want to love them most, right there.
We want this pain to be healed, to set them free. It hurts us to see them hurting, especially when they might not even be able to see it yet. But we do. We feel it’s presence deeply. Intuitively and empathically all at once. It burns loudly in us to hear.
We know it’s time to get to work, so we step closer to them to do so.
But, as I’ve learned, we must be mindful here for the sake of our own healing heart’s safety.
Very, very, mindful.
We can unknowingly attempt to love another’s pain places for them and this doesn’t work. It just makes things messier and more painful. For us and for them.
We want to love our beloved’s pain so it can set them free. We know it’s love that is needed to heal, to open that gift within them, and we want to help them, but here’s the thing with this scenario that gets tricky — we need to be aware of who’s taking responsibility for what, and how this whole “loving our wounds to heal them” actually works.
Are we being invited to stand by and love someone while they love their pain to heal or are we inviting ourselves on in to love that which isn’t ours to love?
Know the difference. And why the difference is so important too.
We may know that love is the answer to all that has wounded us, but what we may not know yet or be able to see clearly, is that the person carrying the pain needs to know this too. The pain owner needs to be the pain lover in order for “love your pain, to heal your pain” to work. We can only heal our own wounds — not the wounds in another.
The owner must do the work or the work will not get done.
And to make matters worse, we compound things, making bigger pain in the process for us and for them, if we do this. Attempting to love another’s pain will only have us feeling that pain from their wound as it continues to land in us, while activated and unloved in them.
Pain owners must be their own pain lovers too, in order for any wound to heal. There are no exceptions to this. It’s just how it works. It lives in them and they must be the one to harvest it by owning that it lives there, and then loving it until it sets them free.
We cannot set them free.
We cannot own another’s pain for them.
We cannot be the ones to love that which needs to be loved in them, by them.
So, what do us master healers do?
I say we lovingly bring attention to how our beloved’s pain is landing in us so that we can be the reflection, the invitation, and the space for them to see it and heal it, in them.
The pain cycle will officially be invited to stop there. The moment we shine our light on that which has been sitting in the dark for so long is the moment we offer a beautiful gift. Whether they open it or not, is up to them. But our piece to that part of their puzzle has now been set in place. Our work there is done.
And what if they are not willing or able to open such a gift and move into their wound that is spilling damaging pain into our relationship and into our hearts? Well, there is only one truly effective, albeit painful move needed, that will ensure a fast-track for their healing and ours.
We acknowledge that our soul contract time is up and we move away.
If we want to be the truest love for anyone’s pain to heal, for the pain that is showing up in ways that is not only hurting them, but is now hurting us too as it goes unowned, then we stop enabling them by being a willing victim and we learn the art of walking away.
We see that our work and time there is done.
We untangle ourselves from the pain and healing that isn’t ours to endure or that we can’t do anything about when its owner will not or isn’t able to own it.
It’s the fastest way to end the pain from continuing to land in us, the fastest way for us to heal from that which has landed, and it’s the biggest gift to give someone who is bringing unowned wound pain to our relationships and our hearts. It puts responsibility where it’s meant to be. It’s the bravest gift to give — to us and to them — as it will act as a catalyst for all the pain to heal.
If our beloved is in pain — pain so deep that it is raining down in your dynamic — even after bringing it to light by being the reflection, the invitation, and space for it to be seen, if it’s still not moved towards by its owner, then lovingly disengage.
Honour the wisdom, the truth of love’s healing, that comes from these decisions.
We are not responsible or able to heal anyone but ourself. And only the owner of a wound is able to heal the wound that lives within.
Remember this truth.
If our beloved cannot do the work needed to stop the pains bleeding in them, that is landing in us, then love our beloved and ourselves enough to present the most courageous gift of all.
The time and space that is now needed for both to heal.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.
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