Love relationships can be a very tricky ground. They may bring the best and the worst parts of our beings that hide beneath the layers of the psyche. Thus creating hurricanes and volcanos inside of our inner worlds. Then we collapse, die to our old selves, or become damaged forever. Or we may be reborn.
Love triggers us. Big time. And it always will. Because it serves as an anchor that either pulls us deep down to explore our inner oceans and/or rises us up to the surface so we can enjoy breathing fresh air and paint whatever landscapes we crave with our brushes and an empty canvas. Our favorite painting of love that is unique to each of us.
If you think love is there to make you happy you may want to reconsider this belief. It will only cause you continuous unhappiness if you do not. Love is certainly the main pillar of all life and living beings on this planet. It is the very ecstasy of living and being in this world.
But let me tell you a brutal truth — we have f*cked it up when it comes to love. We repeat the same patterns in our romantic/intimate relationships and then we think if we could only change our partner, maybe with another one we would experience happiness and the kind of love we have always been craving for.
Darling, stop right there. While I have learned that some people may be toxic and thus produce toxicity in my life, I have also learned to question myself: why did I choose that person or those men in the first place? Why?
I kept asking myself this question for a very long time. The answer did not come all clear and fancy, but something began to shift within. It is me who is choosing certain partners and who is committing the same mistakes and thus following the same kind of patterns that sabotage me and my essence? Why?
Because of my belief system. Because of how I think about love and what I think it is. Because of my own lack of self-love, and feeling of worthiness.
With this, I am not saying you or me are wrong for choosing certain partners in our lives. I am just attempting to bring my attention and your attention to our inner worlds and ponder our beliefs, concepts, expectations, and all we hold inside our psyche (often in our unconsciousness) when it comes to love and romantic relationships. Our views on love and relationships may be completely outworn and upside down because of the way we were raised, the way we were loved when we were kids and because of the concepts and ideas we have gathered along the way in our lives.
I found myself lately in a very difficult situation regarding a man I thought I was falling for. He used to be a drug addict, now in recovery. I saw the potential in him and I saw so many beautiful things in his eyes and in his softness…but I ended up in a bitter place within me when things were not being reciprocated.
My mind became a hell of a place and I just wanted to get out of it and I knew I could not. Every thought about him and this situation just hurt me more and more…every attempt to analyze or any attempt to find a solution or another alternative just hurt my bones and flesh.
Then I heard these words within me: let it go. So I let the storms in my head run wild and I let the emotions build their hurricanes…and I let it all go. I quit thinking about solving this situation. And it saved me in many ways.
Sometimes love comes with warning signs, sometimes it does not. Sometimes it comes for a brief moment, sometimes for longer than days and months.
I believe, as humans, we all crave love, validation, and acceptance. But we are missing the point — the other is not there to fill our inner holes and void. The other is not there to complete us. The other may as well be incomplete within themselves. How in the world will they complete you?
We have these mistaken ideas about love. That, once in love, we will be happy and it will last forever. Love is a growth ground. As such, it will trigger and pull up whatever is hidden from our awareness. It will challenge us so we learn how to love again, with more maturity and integrity than our last love.
Love is also a choice. And it is a work. It starts in our hearts and then spreads to others and the whole life.
To let go of our ideas and concepts on love and relationships is not easy. It is messy, muddy, difficult, painful, and oftentimes liberating. If we choose a partner that needs healing in his or her life, the dynamics may be clear from the beginning: they need you as a catalyst for their growth. But is this love? Are they loving you? Or are they needing you?
If they find themselves in this place of needing support and healing, they will not be able to see you, to hear you, or to have you as their equal partner. Why? Not because they don’t care about you or that love is not there. It’s just that love will be something that they crave because of their inability to heal themselves.
And love, in this case, will most likely be about them and what they can gain or get from the relationship that may help them heal faster, it won’t be for the benefit of two. Why do we attract a person in need of healing? Because we unconsciously believe that through healing them we can heal our own wounds and past traumas.
Love to me means also awareness. If there is anything in this life that can raise us up and teach us how to be fully present and see what is really going on inside of our inner world it is love. But we must drop our ideas and concepts on how love is supposed to go or what it is meant to be.
Love is wise. It knows why it happens and it certainly has a purpose behind the tick-tack of our heartbeats when we feel the warmth of being with another human, holding hands with them, staring into each other’s eyes and kissing all night long as the mood witnesses our joy.
But then love shows the other side: to break us open so we can see our shortcomings as well as the flaws of the person we are choosing to love. It shows us a certain dynamic and paradigm and will question us if this is what we truly want or not. If this is what love is or not?
Love will eventually question your sense of self. And it may be destructive. In a way that will take away from you all your falseness and pretenses. It will break your ego. If you let it. Love is an arrow that intends to break us open, so we can stand naked before ourselves and the other.
The question is: do we dare to go to this place where love is calling us?
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life: BS-Free Wisdom to Ignite Your Inner Badass and Live the Life You Deserve.
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