By Tanya Tiger HOLY FIRE

I Am The Space Between


I find myself in the space between the person I was and who I want to be.

I am no longer the shy and outcast child I once was, yet, I struggle to stand firmly in my confident, quirky woman-self. I no longer feel desperate to belong but long for a sense of true community where I can let down my guard, be vulnerable, and completely myself while being held with love and grace by those around me.

I no longer damn my younger self for the mistakes I made — hell, I was a kid just trying to find my way. Yet, still I find myself rekindling the fires that burned bridges long ago, unable to quiet the wildfire in my mind. I am no longer the victim of my story, I am the heroine — and yet the words on the pages before me are blurred and my path uncertain.

I am drifting in the space between. That space between asleep and fully awake…where anything is possible and yet seems just out of reach. I no longer feel the need to validate my existence based solely on others’ perceptions of me, and yet I ache for acceptance and to feel truly at home somewhere, anywhere.

And while I no longer fear being alone, I still feel lonely in crowded places. I grasp the concept that ‘haters gonna hate’ and yet, all I long to feel is love and compassion. I understand that not everyone will like me, nor do I feel the need to bend myself into shapes that do not fit in order to be liked, but dammit if I don’t continue to find myself wondering what it takes to feel belonging in this crazy world.

I am wandering in the in-between. No longer do I carry myself in that awkward, juvenile manner but still I struggle to find my way in this womanly body. I no longer define myself by what men find sexy, but have yet to find my own definition.

I am no longer estranged from my body, feeling fully its pulse and energy grounding me to the earth but still I find myself drifting above, like a kite on a string, reaching for some unseen, unnamed “holy land” above my head that pulls me out and up and away from really feeling my body.

No longer do I seek answers solely from outside myself, now I dare to dig deep, to claw my way down ever deeper to the depths of my soul where every shadowy monster, heartache, mistake, truth, dream, and revelry reside. For it is there that I have come to realize my true nature is housed. Only there will I find solid ground from which to rebuild ‘me.’

I am seeking in the space between. No longer afraid to eat from the tree of knowledge and yet, afraid I will be consumed by what I learn. No longer afraid of the power contained in this vessel and yet, knocked sideways by the force of sensuality that explodes from my depths when I surrender.

No longer angry at the world but still burned by the white-hot rage that occasionally engulfs me. No longer the ‘good girl’ but never really ‘bad’ either. No longer content to sit on the sidelines as the world passes me by and yet, still cautious and unsteady as I move through it. No longer am I certain about anything and still, there is an echo of knowing which radiates from within. A signpost perhaps?

No…know, I am neither heaven nor hell. I am neither saint nor sinner. I am neither the light nor the dark.

I am the space between.

Photo by Caju Gomes on Unsplash

For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life: BS-Free Wisdom to Ignite Your Inner Badass and Live the Life You Deserve.

Sip a little more:

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"So, if you feel yourself buoying between waves, or swinging from one end to the other, know that you’re being strengthened by that unending rock and sway. And strength isn’t about becoming solid, immovable, and static. Strength is about becoming resilient. And resilience does not mean you will not break, crumble, cry, scream, denounce this life and then love it again in the very next second. Resilience means you can descend to the heart of your existence. Resilience means you can journey to the center of your Soul, and discover what it means to be." —Amanda Jade Fiorino of @wildearthmedicine #holyfire #rebirth #journeytosoul #wakeupanddream #howl Rea more: 
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Tanya Tiger

Tanya Tiger is a creative and fiery soul who dreams of a world where everyone is free to be their authentic selves. She has been writing, drawing, sculpting and otherwise flexing her creative muscles since she was a child. She dances somewhere between optimism and “the real world”. Her heart is a vast ocean of emotions where her soul sets sail and rides the ever-changing highs and lows. She is married to her soulmate and is the mother of two daughters, one who lives on this earthly plane and the other who watches over from the “other side” (aka Heaven).

  1. I am there too, sister. Blessings.

  2. As I have always stated after reading Tanya’s writings, there are no words to describe the beauty in her writings. She is one special lady.

  3. Pingback: Our Brokenness Is A Beautiful Gift To Be Shared – The Urban Howl

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