This is what I would tell my younger self.
I would tell her to spend less time trying to understand and more time feeling.
That trying to understand dysfunction is like trying to navigate a tsunami.
The way through the pattern of dysfunction is to feel.
To let go of your routine and distractions and dwell among your soul.
Dwell in the uncertainty and discomfort.
Allow the agitation to bring you tears.
Allow your anger to reveal your deepest truth.
Allow your mind to settle and your walls to soften.
I would tell her that resistance is not her friend.
The moment we think we let go…be prepared for fear.
I would tell her that fear will come, it always does.
It will steel her breath and she will panic herself into the future.
Fear will grab her mind and send it racing.
Telling her of everything she shouldn’t do.
It will make up stories…far worse than she can imagine.
Fear will send her back into comfort.
Back into the dysfunction.
Back into the old and toxic ways.
Fear will tell her that playing small is always safe.
And right here, when this happens.
I would tell her to lean in and pause.
I would tell her to inhale deeply all the way to the base of her spine.
Breathe slow and deep…again and again.
Breathe and be right here, right now.
I would tell her that breathing will bring her back into this very moment.
The one that is right here.
The moment that is calm and where she is breathing life back into her body.
Breathing life into her very existence.
And this moment right here — is where she should always choose from.
I would tell her to pause and breathe and then tell fear to go fuck itself.
Fear will keep you small
And my dear sweet goddess
You are anything but small.
One last thing.
I would tell her to feel it all.
Feel everything and grow from it.
I would tell her that if she is not growing — she is dying.
And we both know that she came here to live.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.
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