By Christy Williams HOLY FIRE

Some Days, I Don’t Want To Be Brave

alone brave strong

BY CHRISTY WILLIAMS

Some days, I don’t want to be brave.

Some days, I want to go back to the way things used to be.

When things were safe and predictable.

When I was in my comfort zone. Where big, scary growth doesn’t happen.

Because lately, I’ve been overwhelmed with all the big, scary growth.

I’m overwhelmed with looking for a job that will give me the flexibility I need to be there for my kids the way they need me to be, do work that I enjoy, and that still pays a livable wage that will cover my rent. (No to mention baseball, dance, cars, phones — oh yeah, and food.)

I’m overwhelmed with parenting a teen and tween — and hoping they’ll be okay as we navigate our new normal that comes with divorce.

Not to mention school shootings that happen in our school district.

And I’m overwhelmed with the daily stuff of life.

The incredible chaos that is the month of May when you have one child in elementary school and one in high school.

A daughter who is turning 16 and wanting to make it so special for her amidst all the chaos of school and getting her driver’s license this week, and a week of finals next week.

And a son who is heading into middle school next year…and you’re trying to embrace the last week of elementary activities, and not wish away these moments. Moments that seem to happen all day every day for the last week or two of school.

Plus all the normal weekly trips to doctors and physical therapists and baseball and dance and friends’ houses and the pet store (you know, to set up the new “free” fish tank we were gifted).

The things I’ve always done, but now I’m trying to do while managing our new normal and looking for a job in every spare moment of the day.

Being so overwhelmed doesn’t make me feel brave.

Being brave, to me, is feeling the fear of the big, scary changes and decisions — and doing it anyway.

But right now, I just feel lonely in my overwhelm.

And not at all strong.

I want someone to give me a hug and tell me everything will be okay.

To remind me of how much I trust the Universe. (Because sometimes, I forget.)

To tell me they’ve got my back.

To remind me of my strength.

And that they believe in me.

Because I could use that reminder right about now.

And because some days, I just don’t want to be brave.

Photo by Riccardo Mion on Unsplash

For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.

Sip a little more:

Finding The Magic In The Messiness Of Splitting Up Together

Let’s Talk About The Stupid, Jerkface Language Of Divorce

To My Husband, At The End Of Our 25-Year Marriage

be brave

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  1. It’s my first time coming across this journal. Being brave is one of the highest forms of living. It causes us to reach down deep and confront the fears, as you mentioned but sometimes it feels even deeper than that – when the circumstances are pulling us under and we need that breath of inspiration to overcome. Just know that bravery can induce a stronger spiritual connection – in Christianity, we are urged to cast our cares upon Christ – and allow our God to work (1 Peter 5: 6-7). I would urge you to seek your higher power in times of ‘bravery’ and release your worries even as they crash on top of you. That way you can go under the wave rather than get tackled by it.

    • Christy Williams

      Thank you so much for this, Paul! I absolutely find myself giving my worries to God and/or asking my angels to help. Some nights, that’s the only way I can get some sleep! I am so grateful for your perspective and your comment. Thank you so much for reading!

  2. Pingback: The Tricky Logistics & Boundaries Of My Not-So-Secret Double Life – The Urban Howl

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