BY YUMILAH GOVINDEN
I’ve been a liar for too long.
I’ve been faking it and conforming for too long. I am what you’d call too much — too much to handle, too much to breathe, too much to see…I am bottomless and unless you come to me with an unquenchable thirst, only then you can have a taste of me.
As an empath, I’ve always felt guilty for attracting the wrong people. I always thought that it was bad karma and I had to deal with it. I was a victim of life and my walk was home to hundreds of tragedies. I would love and believe in others until they leave me battered and breathless.
It was always the same pattern, same beginning, and same ending. It would always start with me being the perfect friend and partner to me being the egoistic, narcissist, manipulative persona. I always questioned the good in me until one day I snapped and decided that ‘love and light’ has taught me all that it could and that now I had to seek deeper.
I’ve been Sita, Parvati, Durga, Mother Mary, the Magdalene, and Isis, but I knew that if I had to embrace my calling as an awakened feminine, I had to seek the silent whispers of Kali within. I had to walk through the veil and meet her in a place of unfulfilled dreams, uncanny thoughts, and rampant fears of all kinds.
I knew that if I didn’t have enough love for myself I might never ever return from that dark land.
At first, I didn’t see her so I walked in faith. My steps were blind and my eyes empty. She didn’t meet me halfway and I never saw her but felt her breathing life in me. She made me walk the blazing coals alone and I knew that she wanted me to be strong on my own.
The veils of illusion faded as I sought deeper. I knew that there was never one demon and that they were legion. So, I raked every nook and cranny of my being. I spotted them and frolicked with them, loved them and cradled them to sleep.
I told them, “I am not here to chase you. You belong here. There is space for you here. You don’t have to fight me. I’m not on a revenge spree but I need you to be my friend. I let you be and you let me be. Give me your strengths so I can build myself back up.” I knew that fighting them was not the way, love was, is, and will always be the way.
I have been sneered at, bullied, and looked down upon. I have been dealing with an uncanny feeling of unworthiness since forever. Depressive phases have crippled me. I’ve been taken for granted and my love has often been unrequited. Until I realised that to be whole as a feminine, the dark mother’s call was something I had to answer.
On the path to awakening Shakti, embracing Kali is inevitable. I always keep in mind that dark is dark and white is white until you choose to see the hues and tones. This is where growth begins.
I haven’t known true healing until I walked the dark night of my soul and came back from a thousand deaths. The world is not only dual it is multidimensional. Darkness doesn’t have to be an enemy. Darkness has empowered me and showed me the areas where there was absence of light.
There is a beautiful love story that plays within and it is the dance of light and dark. And I am aware that there is a blind spot somewhere which even my third eye or badass attitude won’t reveal and even with that I made peace. I know nothing. I know only what I am ready to accept and see and so be it.
This is what the path to awakening the Shakti within has showed me. That whatever it is, be kind and gentle and start with yourself.
I have built a temple within myself. I am no longer longing for understanding or validation. My beingness is something I’ve made peace with. Nobody can paint me in a colour I’m not because I am no longer a question someone can doubt but I am an affirmation. If I shine like an uncomfortable truth, maybe it’s because I lie no more and my truth is that I am not one woman — I am Shakti and I am many.
Yumilah’s Heart Howl — “I have one life mantra and it is to be Bo. The Bo tree or the Bodhi tree is the tree whereby the Buddha was enlightened. I don’t aspire to be enlightened. If I have to be a body, I don’t want to be the Buddha, I want to be the Bo tree. I want to be like the tree which gives all and takes nothing. I want to love unconditionally and be as selfless as the Bodhi tree. I am Bo and this is all that I want to nurture in me.”
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends Awakening Shakti: The Transformative Power of the Goddesses of Yoga.
Sip a little more: