Dearest Lover, There Is A Difference Between Fantasy & Reality


We’ve all been there…feeling randy and in the mood to share some good lovin’. Maybe you want to spice things up a bit? Dress up slutty-sexy, act out a role, or tell a naughty tale?

At some point, most of us have shared a fantasy with our lover. Oh so often, upon hearing our super-secret, sexy, hot stories while in flagrante delicto, our lover interprets this as an invitation to make it a reality and enthusiastically begins to plan out how to make our vision come true.

Dearest lover, when we give in to our desire and risk upping the hotness factor by sharing a secret fantasy with you to enhance our intimacy, we are not telling you to rush out and book the closest dungeon, buy that set of BDSM gear on Amazon, or place an ad on Craigslist seeking that special person for a ménage à trois.

Before we dive into the differences between fantasy and reality, let’s make sure we agree upon the definition of the word fantasy.  Here is a widely accepted definition.

fan·ta·sy /ˈfan(t)əsē/
1. The faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable.

Let’s start with that thought — imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable. This clearly states that fantasy is imagining. The closest you might come to reality is the word improbable.

im·prob·a·ble /imˈpräbəb(ə)l/
1. Not likely to be true or to happen.

Ahhh…so not likely to happen. When we are doing the horizontal bop and choose to be vulnerable and share a fantasy with our lover, we are beginning from what we believe is a mutual understanding that what we are about to share is not something we are actively seeking to make real.

If we wanted to try it out in actuality we would be having a completely different conversation about it outside the bedroom. Bringing a fantasy to life is not something that is decided upon in sexy whispers whilst in the midst of passionate coupling. Nor are those freaky fantasies fodder for a fun-fueled night of friskiness outside bedroom boundaries.

Conversations such as those are delicate. Imagine adding the confusion of trying to figure out details while in the throes of hot, sweaty, passionate, bunny love. They deserve serious attention and a safe environment free of judgment. Both parties need to be in a place of mutual balance and curiosity; not breathing heavy, with an elevated heart rate and a deep desire to surrender to our partner, giving him or her anything they desire as the endorphins and oxytocin blow us out of the rational plane of existence with a mind-bending orgasm.

Studies have shown that upwards of 98% of all people have had sexual fantasies. 79.5% of them use fantasy for arousal purposes. 69.8% are curious about new experiences and sensations. 59.7% use it to meet unfulfilled sexual needs, 59.4% to temporarily escape reality, and 58.4% to express or fulfill a socially taboo sexual desire; among other statistics. (Lehmiller, J. J., 2018)

Fantasies are normal. We engage in them for a variety of reasons, most of which are healthy and a few that are not. They can be a wonderfully erotic addition to our bedroom repertoire when used properly and judiciously.

The key here is to leave them in the bedroom. If you have a partner that is willing to share his or her fantasies as you bump beautiful bits, count yourself lucky! If you want to consider taking the fantasy out of the bedroom and into the wide, wild world, please wait until another time to raise the topic. It is best to find a time and place, free of distractions to maturely discuss what acting out a sexual fantasy would entail. That is a whole new topic and article.

Until then, keep it hot, keep it sexy and erotic, and keep it in the bedroom! Allow your imagination to run wild, secure in the knowledge that it is only a fantasy shared between two consenting adults. Go forth and play, lover!

Photo by Jan Zhukov on Unsplash

For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.

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"I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love." - L e o T o l s t o y #dreamyourworldawake


Grace Getzen

As a certified catalyst coach specializing in relationships and intimacy, Grace will guide you in identifying and changing negative, recurring patterns and anxieties using easy-to-learn tools. You will learn how to replace unwanted behaviors with healthy ones. This will allow you to attain deeper intimacy with your partner, set healthy boundaries, and engage in conflict without fear, blame or shame. Grace has a unique ability to unwrap the stories that block your journey, get to the heart of an issue, create a safe space in which to shine a light on it and help you see what else is possible. Come take a tour with her at her website.

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