A Little Girl Was Now Changed — And Gone


Somehow I knew I would be opening this door,

It was something for me to begin to explore.

This is how the nightmare began,

It followed me throughout my entire life span.

I was told by my daddy, at the beginning of the next day, not to say a word to mummy.

Thus the shaming began that very day…and also a horrible ache in my tummy…

I was silenced that morning after the attack,

By my own father, as a matter of fact.

I’ve given myself permission to speak,

Of this horror that made me so weak.

The man never even gave it a thought, that what he did might be with me for the rest of my life…

Only to bring about so much strife.

He approached me unaware,

That I might somehow care…

It was my life’s most uncomfortable scare.

I knew the moment he touched me something was very wrong,

I was awaked, thinking I have to be strong.

He kissed me awake, oh what a horrible scare…

I knew it wasn’t a loving snare

But a trap of daring

That was never meant to be caring.

Oh dear, what should I do,

What, pray God, was about to ensue?

I cringed the moment he awakened me from a deep sleep

I knew at that moment he was such creep.

He’d groomed me with his bantering ways,

Using cartoon voices to make his plays.

My entire life changed that night,

And the nightmare continued as he carried out his plight.

I was scared, not knowing what to do…

I was only 4 but I certainly knew…

He’d come to steal away my life,

And made me feel like I’d wished I’d had a knife

To cut him to pieces as he stole my innocence away.

He took it without cause, he made it his…and left a gaping hole within in me as he vanished out of sight…as I tried and failed to keep him at bay.

That night he robbed my soul,

And I thought would I ever be whole…

It affected my life in so many ways,

But today I get to uncover what I need to say.

I’ve approached this before as I walked through life,

But never from my child’s point of view…

So I am letting all the words spew

And offering them to you.

I was awakened then in more ways than I could explain…

The bright red flashing light in my soul began to clang.

I was seeing from a guarded place in me

This was not supposed to be.

I would never be the same kid before this arrived.

All the adults said just to be brave,

Lock it away in your little soul’s cave…

Don’t let it out, don’t tell a soul

Of this experience that was so depraved.

I cried when he left…my fear began to subside.

Something precious in me had just died.

I wanted to throw up, but I would have to explain…

And at the time did not know there would be a silence game.

I lay there in the darkness, tears streaming down my cheeks

Wondering what did I do that was so wrong?

For this man to come in the dark, looking for the prey he seeks…

And wondering now, where did I belong…?

They all broke my trust, my innocence too.

They made me carry this burden away.

Nothing was ever the same, a strange forbidding cloud followed me from that day on…

And a little girl was now changed — and gone.

Photo by  Janko Ferlič – @specialdaddy on Unsplash

For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.

Sip a little more:

I Was Not Meant To Live In The Shadows Of My Life — I Was Meant To Soar

Smashed To Smithereens: 3 Heart, Healing & Recovery Haikus

The Hand Me Down: Heirloom Of Emotional Pain

"The “guru” of whom you speak is, despite how he presents himself, likely a human being with deep flaws his spirit-centeredness has allowed him to overlook. More than that, he has positioned himself in an environment where his failure to integrate his shadows can be heralded as an act of spiritual greatness. Deep bow to you for not being fooled, and deep bow to all who have recognized the invalidation of their selfhood as unjust. I hesitate to say your story is so common it seems to be an unfortunate rite of passage for the wild woman because I do not, in any way, believe abuse, spiritual or otherwise, is necessary in order to grow. I will say that in the absence of safe spaces where feminine and soulful spirituality can be cultivated, shared, and empowered, we will seek out such unholy sanctuaries as the one you describe because they offer us a diluted taste of spiritual nourishment." —Danielle Dulsky of @wolfwomanwitch ➵ Submit your magic to The Urban Howl! Submissions guidelines here: Read more:

@kayharr73 @ladypantzz @thugunicorn @dharmaunicorn


Dianna Lynn Jensen

I am a survivor of Generational Pain and co-dependency...and not allowed to talk about it. Silence is golden, NOT. I struggled most of my life to find the path to attack this affliction head on. Little did I know the vastness of its depth, distance, struggle, and strength, but I was bound and determined to see it through, it almost killed me a number of times, but what my mother did leave me was a strong persistence, to keep on keeping on, no matter what! Putting one foot in front of the other, picking myself up when I would crash to the ground of life. I wanted to find a better more effective way than that, that I had observed and lived in during the first 18 years of my life....I thought by leaving and getting out, seeing the world, experiencing it that all would be left behind. So, I dumped the baggage, chaos, and pain of my life where I picked it up....or so I thought. Life taught me differently, that it had to be acknowledged, felt and allowed to heal, then freedom would be found. I DID IT!! (and am still doing it). It is a lifetime journey, but one I have had no regrets taking. I am happy, content, peaceful, which I never thought I would be. NAMASTE.

  1. Wow. Stirring, and so well written. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. Thank you for sharing in your healing. Sending love and light.

  2. Pingback: You Tried To Bring Me Down, But You Will Not Consume Me One More Time – The Urban Howl

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