Somehow I knew I would be opening this door,
It was something for me to begin to explore.
This is how the nightmare began,
It followed me throughout my entire life span.
I was told by my daddy, at the beginning of the next day, not to say a word to mummy.
Thus the shaming began that very day…and also a horrible ache in my tummy…
I was silenced that morning after the attack,
By my own father, as a matter of fact.
I’ve given myself permission to speak,
Of this horror that made me so weak.
The man never even gave it a thought, that what he did might be with me for the rest of my life…
Only to bring about so much strife.
He approached me unaware,
That I might somehow care…
It was my life’s most uncomfortable scare.
I knew the moment he touched me something was very wrong,
I was awaked, thinking I have to be strong.
He kissed me awake, oh what a horrible scare…
I knew it wasn’t a loving snare
But a trap of daring
That was never meant to be caring.
Oh dear, what should I do,
What, pray God, was about to ensue?
I cringed the moment he awakened me from a deep sleep
I knew at that moment he was such creep.
He’d groomed me with his bantering ways,
Using cartoon voices to make his plays.
My entire life changed that night,
And the nightmare continued as he carried out his plight.
I was scared, not knowing what to do…
I was only 4 but I certainly knew…
He’d come to steal away my life,
And made me feel like I’d wished I’d had a knife
To cut him to pieces as he stole my innocence away.
He took it without cause, he made it his…and left a gaping hole within in me as he vanished out of sight…as I tried and failed to keep him at bay.
That night he robbed my soul,
And I thought would I ever be whole…
It affected my life in so many ways,
But today I get to uncover what I need to say.
I’ve approached this before as I walked through life,
But never from my child’s point of view…
So I am letting all the words spew
And offering them to you.
I was awakened then in more ways than I could explain…
The bright red flashing light in my soul began to clang.
I was seeing from a guarded place in me
This was not supposed to be.
I would never be the same kid before this arrived.
All the adults said just to be brave,
Lock it away in your little soul’s cave…
Don’t let it out, don’t tell a soul
Of this experience that was so depraved.
I cried when he left…my fear began to subside.
Something precious in me had just died.
I wanted to throw up, but I would have to explain…
And at the time did not know there would be a silence game.
I lay there in the darkness, tears streaming down my cheeks
Wondering what did I do that was so wrong?
For this man to come in the dark, looking for the prey he seeks…
And wondering now, where did I belong…?
They all broke my trust, my innocence too.
They made me carry this burden away.
Nothing was ever the same, a strange forbidding cloud followed me from that day on…
And a little girl was now changed — and gone.
Photo by Janko Ferlič – @specialdaddy on Unsplash
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom
Sip a little more:
I Was Not Meant To Live In The Shadows Of My Life — I Was Meant To Soar
Smashed To Smithereens: 3 Heart, Healing & Recovery Haikus
The Hand Me Down: Heirloom Of Emotional Pain
Wow. Stirring, and so well written. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. Thank you for sharing in your healing. Sending love and light.