For the past two weeks, I’ve been obsessed with absorbing the words of Gabor Maté. He is renowned for his wisdom on addiction and trauma and how the two are inextricably linked. I share now a direct insight from my journal, penned two days ago. I hope that for anyone suffering the shackles of these enslavements, this may shed some light.
Who are you serving?
I had always believed that my weakness was to drugs but I understand now that my addiction was to feel that I belonged. When I fail to serve myself, my higher self, I need to withdraw within. I seek solace in nothingness, perhaps believing myself to be here, in this space. It’s all I feel I have left that is mine.
Drugs help me to ease into this chasm by dulling my capacity to motivate myself into action. I grow sleepy in the inactivity, able to accept my circumstances.
I require freedom to be. Who I am is not the ‘norm,’ not acceptable. So I medicate myself to fit into the mould that society, work, a partner, life needs me confined to.
But I’m never comfortable here. At some point, I snap and get back to myself, my spirit.
Our physical energy is finite. I break when I get to the end of that reserve that allows me to give, expending my energies outward, towards others at an excessive level. At some stage, the power shuts off and with nothing left to give anyone, including myself, I yield to rage.
The unconscious action is to retract inwards in search of my sacred source of interior light, not recognising that I am extinguishing it with drugs. Anaesthetic. The human eraser.
My addiction is to belonging. I stuff myself down, anaesthetise, quell, suffocate, escape from my true, authentic nature so that I can contort myself into what I believe is expected, acceptable.
The irony is that the sole way I can ever belong is to truly love and appreciate myself. To extricate myself from the society, person, or situation that I am so desperately attempting to conform to. It is not me, and therefore, I will never believe in it. I exacerbate this by rejecting myself. And thus, perpetuate the ever vicious cycle of self-loathing, non-acceptance, rejection, addiction, suffering.
Now I have nowhere. No one…
We live in a world that worships the false and mocks the sacred. Find your own way. It is the only way.
Somewhere along the way, I learned that it’s not okay to be me. I’m not acceptable, as is. So, I numb that part of myself, my sensitivity, my heart, my spirit. I try to rub it out so that I can fit in. Be loved. Be accepted. But into what? A society that fits nowhere.
It is essential to our wellbeing to acknowledge and honour our heart. This is the sole master we are intended to serve. It can be so difficult to do so in this world, but if we make this our practice, we will succeed.
Not honouring ourselves has caused the state of our planet. When we truly care about our own needs, this extends outwards toward all. How can we recognise in another what we are blind to within our own, precious selves?
I’m happy, balanced, and at peace within, yet also most vibrant and alive when I create, run, swim, tai chi, write, ‘be’ with family and friends, have precious time alone to cultivate my spirit. When I am full up with this goodness, I have everything to give.
When I work less, I live more. This includes working at fitting in, at trying to be who I believe others want/expect me to be. When I cease all this fruitless seeking and just live, I am free. This ensures my happiness, my belonging to self, to God.
We all have addictions of one sort or another. When we understand with our heart that we are really just trying to mitigate the pain within, we will no longer be enslaved.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction: A Guide to Coping with the Grief, Stress and Anger that Trigger Addictive Behaviors
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