“It’s like I’m reading a book…and it’s a book I deeply love. But I’m reading it slowly now. So the words are really far apart and the spaces between the words are almost infinite. I can still feel you…and the words of our story…but it’s in this endless space between the words that I’m finding myself now. It’s a place that’s not of the physical world. It’s where everything else is that I didn’t even know existed. I love you so much. But this is where I am now. And this is who I am now. And I need you to let me go. As much as I want to, I can’t live in your book anymore.” ~ Anon
These words were sent to me at this time in my life when nothing makes sense to me.
My world has been tipped upside down. Shaken up.
And I wasn’t ready!
Would I ever have been ready?
My husband, best friend, life partner and I have decided to separate.
Not the usual…shouting…arguing type separation.
A bit more ‘Chris and Gwyneth’ in the uncoupling way.
How could we not? We’ve been friends for life!
Connected at a Soul level.
We know each other inside and out.
Only we know and can feel what isn’t right and that’s difficult to explain to anyone else.
And it is so hard!
Tears. Heartache and pain beyond belief.
In the moments when I sit here in meditation in the glow of bright morning sunlight…as I have so often.
The loss of this man. This part of me — my body, my Soul, my life — is felt so sharply.
Grief. Loss. Sickness. Physical pain.
But I need to feel it. The pain is important. The lesson is in there.
In that deep longing for what could have been.
The immense love we shared — and still do — can never be broken.
But this physical life we lived for 20 years must be lived separately now. We must follow our own path and shine our own light.
Be who we are…fully.
The thoughts and anxieties of “where did we go wrong?” no longer matter.
Blame, sorrow, hurt, and recriminations. What’s the point?
It solves nothing.
We made it this far and it’s been an adventure. Tough…but definitely an adventure.
I want to send this beautiful Soul on his own journey. With such love.
Because I know he feels the same. The fear. The pain. The loss.
But also the opening up of a different life and it’s calling us both now.
I am yet to learn.
Letting go, I suppose. Surrendering, possibly.
I am following a route unknown to me…but I will continue to smile.
Knowing we will always be together. Always more than friends.
I love you forever. Sweet man.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment.
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