I’m sorry I’m not the mother you wish you had. I’m sorry I’m not the friend I once was. I’m sorry I can’t accept your lovely offer for a date yet.
You see…I am trying to keep my head above water. But the undertow is strong and it’s taking all of my strength just to keep treading water.
It’s taking every moment of every day to just look for the good. Just to see the tiny bit of light.
I thought this would be my year of healing. But instead of reaching the end of the dark night of my soul, I fear I have seen only just the beginning.
Because every time I think it’s over, something else happens that pulls me down even further.
And it’s making everyone around me really uncomfortable.
Because it’s hard to sit with someone’s pain. Someone’s sadness. Their darkness.
It’s tainting special birthday celebrations in the city because I just can’t pretend anymore. It’s ending job opportunities because I will no longer settle. For anything. It’s frustrating people who only want to spend time with me, lift me up, and see my strength.
Because they don’t know what to do with my weakness. And honestly, neither do I.
They see the mask that they’ve always seen. That they want to see.
It’s too hard to see the reality. What lies beneath the mask.
It’s too hard to accept me at my word, so they make up their own stories about what’s happening. I must be sad because of the divorce. Or just busy with life. Or not ready for the next step.
I have been hermiting because what else can I do?
I understand it more now than I ever did before. The need to hide away and take care of me. Only emerging to take care of the ones who need me.
The need to be alone so I can feel the way I am feeling without someone else telling me how I am feeling.
Someone who is putting their own story onto me. Without even trying to understand what my actual story is.
Please stop putting words in my mouth. Please stop finishing my thoughts the way you think they should be finished.
Please. Just. Listen.
And then actually hear what I’m saying.
I am sorry I’m not progressing on your timeline. I’m not progressing on my own, either. This was supposed to be my year of healing, remember?
But my healing needs to go on the back burner for now. Until I help those who need it the most to heal. Until I help those I would not be able to live without.
I’m sorry I can’t be the person you want me to be right now.
I am doing the best that I can in every possible moment. And trying to be as honest as I can about it.
I’m sorry if I’m hurting you. Because that’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want to cause anyone pain. And the world doesn’t need any more hurting people.
I am so grateful for your light in my life.
Please keep shining your light so I know there’s still hope. So I know I’m not alone. So it feels like we’re all in this together.
Because sometimes I forget.
And your reminders are nothing short of miraculous.
Warm, lovely, squishy reminders of what is yet to come. What is waiting. What is still out there. Waiting patiently. Or not-so-patiently. Or really, really frustrated…but still there.
Because I am just as ready for a breakthrough as you are for me to have it.
I’m sorry I’m not there yet. But I sure as hell am not giving up.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment.
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