Little Blue Book On How To Be A Guy: Sex, Love And Relationships (An Excerpt)
BY JOSEPH WORKMAN
Lust, excitement, and romance is a great adventure and yet, cannot hold a candle to love. Love is the real deal. It is consistent practice during the everyday mundanity of life, as well as moments of heroic action. Love will test you beyond your limits.
Love is not romance although romance is beautiful. Love is not sex although sex is amazing (or can be). Love is not grasping or desperate. Love is not an emotion. It is awareness and action that promotes well being for another…and for yourself. Easier said than done. It is in the doing that is the heroic journey.
If you are able to truly love, to choose love when circumstances are ripping you apart, it will open doors that are beautiful beyond imagination and transform your life.
Maybe you have a crush on someone. You are mesmerized and struck by her amazingness. You rejoice in these wonderful new feelings so much that you feel you are nothing without her? If you are nothing and she is everything…what are you bringing to the table? Nothing. You are bringing a lot of neediness. That is not love. Is that a good deal for her? It’s a recipe for unhappiness for you both. Don’t ever put that false burden on another person. And don’t so severely underestimate yourself.
There are exciting, attractive, wonderful women in the world before you marry and after you marry. Know well yourself and your relationship. Choose what you put energy into.
Mind your thoughts. How far down a dead-end do you wish to go? Maybe you want to travel in your mind down this road a bit. Be aware of where you focus your energy, your mental resources. Is it for building the beautiful, the good, the worthy in your life? How much time and attention to give to something else?
Why trade a mountain of gold for a shiny copper penny? Why forsake the power and radiance of the sun for the enchanting, momentary light of a single candle?
It is not a bargain, but a loss of tragic proportions. Know yourself well and what matters to you. Appreciate your great fortune of love, nurture it or it will be gone.
When you encounter women who are not your significant other, you may feel sexual energy pleasantly surging through your body and sexual thoughts may follow. You can, with practice, redirect your attention to other thoughts, whatever is most practical and beneficial to you and to your life. What we focus on we tend to increase. Choose what you truly wish to see increase in your life. Consider if it will bring happiness or grief to you and to all involved.
The energy coursing through your body will come and go. Enjoy the pleasant sensation and let it go. Where do you want to invest your thoughts and energy? Consider carefully. Will it serve you and others well? You are the master of your thoughts. If you do not strive to master your thoughts, your thoughts might master you. The feelings flowing through your body and loins can be intense but they are not your master. You are, with practice, the master of your life, the captain of your ship. Sail a course with dignity and character that builds a life of integrity.
With integrity comes strength, clarity, and power.
Enjoy the loveliness of people and things as they pass in and out of your world while always being mindful of who you are and what you stand for.
The world is brimming with unconscious, swirling desires of those who, like a leaf in the wind, lack noble purpose. Would a master be brought down to a lowly place by the transient whims of those who are half asleep? While observing the comings and goings of an unconscious world, know yourself and be unaffected.
Whatever course of action you choose at any given moment…choose consciously and honestly so that you may quickly learn a lesson if the outcome of your choice brings pain.
We can be naive and, from feelings of want or insecurity, become caught up in unhealthy dynamics that hurt us. We can be deceived, used, abused, and discarded. If you choose to knowingly play games with people, to be careless with their trust, their heart, their lives, you will add to the suffering of the world, and when, if eventually, you truly wake up to the reality of your harmful actions, this will burn you from your insides…this is a hell you enter from your own actions. Whether or not another Hell is real, this one is. If you never wake up to your actions, you will have lived as a partial human being and have greatly lost out.
If you unintentionally bring misery to another because of the damage you’ve suffered in life, the pain is still real, but the path of redemption, forgiveness, and healing is a preferable one of coming face to face with your acts of intentional usury. If you are the monster, you are tragically lost and becoming found is a difficult and an extraordinarily unpleasant journey.
Protect yourself and others by having character…have the intention of always growing in character.
You are teammates. Share information. Tell her the things that affect her. Especially something that pertains to her…that she would want or need to know. Did you reveal, in conversation with another, a personal anecdote about your partner that was perhaps too personal? Did someone speak poorly about your partner or disrespect her in some way? Did you spend a bunch of money, do you have a secret family, did you win a million dollars? Anything that she would want or need to know. If you and she and the third party are in a social setting or any kind of meeting and she is not privy to the information that you and the third party are, then your partner is out of the loop. Keep your number one teammate in the loop.
A team shares information. If you let yourself be carried away by passion…if you cheat…tell her right away.
Have sex again with your partner without her knowing that you slept with another? This is another intimate betrayal.
Have character. Tell her. Don’t hem and haw and equivocate, justify, plead or meander. Just tell her in simple, direct, accurate sentences and wait and experience her reaction on her terms. Are you concerned about her feelings? Or about how bad you feel when facing her response? Be present and primarily care about her, not yourself or your uncomfortableness. Are you strong enough to do this?
Maybe she chooses one freebie. There is perhaps some delightful guy she would love to smooch. You experienced some exciting, new person sex…she might like to also. She might wish to continue with the relationship with you…or not. Maybe she doesn’t want a freebie and wants to stay with you, forgive you and continue to learn and grow together.
Or she leaves you.
But whatever her response, imagine she does so with unimaginable compassion and kindness for you. Even in her suffering, her intent and focus are about healing, learning, growing…for you both. How heartbreakingly beautiful would that experience be for you? To be loved. How strong and amazing would she be that she did this? What profound gratitude you would feel.
Or she angrily lashes out. This is not up to you. What is up to you is to be there for her…if she wants you to be. Suffer alongside her and move forward with whatever is loving and right. People make mistakes, regretful decisions. When we have character, we face our mistakes and do what is right moving forward. Stay and face it…unless your physical health is at risk. If so, then act in a manner that keeps yourself and her free from harm.
What if she cheats on you? Imagine yourself being this extraordinarily understanding, loving person. Maybe you leave or stay. But through the whole thing, you care about her. Through your suffering, you love her. You work to heal and to learn and grow. Maybe you choose a freebie, or not. You might stay or go, but you love her either way.
How heartbreakingly beautiful would that experience be for her? To be loved. How strong and amazing would you be that you did this? What profound gratitude she would feel.
Difficult with emotions rushing through you but…cry out in grief, withdraw yourself if needed…breathe, pay attention to your breathing, relax your muscles, if your body shakes, let it shake, shake it out and breathe…but have the strength to love, to care about this human being as well as yourself. If you can, your reward is immense. If you cannot, you will continue to learn by suffering and stumbling in the dark.
Do your best and learn and grow.
If, after a relationship, you are not friends — you do not still love each other and care for each other — did you really do so during the relationship? When the sex is gone or the financial security, excitement or whatever conscious or unconscious reasons we get together…what is left over? Real friendship? Real love? If not, where was it ever?
If you are always putting on a show, your relationship might lack depth, and you will be missing out. Eventually, you will need to show all of yourself. Be real, be authentic. In the beginning, be sure that she can see how caring and strong and smart and funny and capable and cool you are — you don’t need to immediately unload all your troubles, insecurities, and flaws. But eventually, you will see each other in your entirety — the good, the bad, and the ugly, the beautiful and the sublime. This is when the great adventure of love comes into play. Romance is for anyone. Love is for the strong.
Love is not blind. Love is having eyes open, seeing clearly and caring about the other person. It is not about what you receive but about caring — in intention, word, and action — about the wellbeing of another. If you can truly love someone and they love you as well, you have won the prize of life.
Joseph’s book, “Little Blue Book On How To Be A Guy: Sex, Love and Relationships,” is a resource for young people (and all people) to help navigate the powerful, challenging and profound realms of sex, love, and relationships.
Joseph’s Heart Howl:
Entrepreneurship and Art…both acts of creation.
To conjure up, to make a new reality.
Entrepreneurs have vision.
Acknowledging the present reality, we are building a bridge from the now to the new.
Entrepreneurs and artists can be agents of positive change.
There is no lack of constructive work in the world.
There is always something useful to do.
Entrepreneurs find ways to make this happen.
In some way shape or form, we are all entrepreneurs.
We are all artists, we are all creators.
In the way we create the shape of our businesses or the way we create the
shape of our lives.
In the way we, together, create the shape of our communities and the larger ones community of the world.
We are all entrepreneurs.
We are all artists.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.
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