If I could write you a letter today…
I’d tell you that I miss you.
I’d tell you that you really broke my heart last year when you sent me that long email, but I was so happy to finally hear something and hear where you were with things.
I’d tell you that I wish we could have talked instead of whatever that was.
I deserved that.
So did you.
So did we.
I’m sure I was breaking your heart, too. I wasn’t who you knew me to be anymore.
Where it went wrong, I don’t know.
Was it that you didn’t ask me? Instead, you accused, minimized, and harshly judged every life choice I had made in five years.
Or was it that, for five years, I didn’t tell you everything because I thought you would judge me?
Because I was afraid you couldn’t walk the depths with me. Did I underestimate you then and so, in my inability to be one hundred percent honest, you couldn’t see my heart motive was still the same?
I don’t know where I lost you.
I know what you said and did wasn’t okay. I know I changed, and I struggled, and it scared you. I hope you talked to him about what he said to me. You know — that thing you told me that you thought was a lie. I hope you know that’s one of the many things I wish had been a lie.
But I am mainly writing because I want you to know that I have our laugh back. You know, the one we share because we are family. The one that people stop to stare and smile at us when we are at parties.
The one filled with joy. The one that comes so easily when we are together. Even when we aren’t. Because we love to laugh. It’s the same laugh. We have that same loud, sparkling laugh that lights up hearts and rooms. I have it back. It turns out, I didn’t need you after all. I really did need myself. It just doesn’t make me miss you less.
I meant it last year when I said you’d always mean just as much to me. I still think of you and smile. I don’t know if we will be friends again but you are always family. I don’t know when I will see you again. I don’t sit around and hope. Instead, I just know anything is possible. I pray for you, and I send you thoughts and funny jokes in my head. Your friendship was one of the hardest to lose. To step back from. I’m getting better every day. I’m still not who you wish I would be, but I’m who I need to be. I think somewhere inside your heart, if you saw me, really saw me, you would be so proud. You would understand we could still sit and laugh and share heartache, and encouragement. I’m not the same, but somehow I haven’t changed at all.
I had to share this for everyone else to know. It’s okay to miss the ones that fall away and it’s okay to be ever-so-grateful to who we used to be together. And it’s okay to step back, to walk away. I’m still celebrating you and my heartstring still reaches all the way across the country to yours. I know you are growing too, and finding people who can meet you where you are. I hope today is a good day for you. That you put your feet on the ground and feel connected to love.
No matter what, I love you. And this is me loving you the best I can. Just a little further away but I love you the same as I always did. Books and chocolate, Disney shows and Taylor Swift lyrics. Cries that end in laughter. Singing and wearing tiaras, drinking tea with fuzzy slippers and robes. Hugs and more laughing. Trying new restaurants and ordering room service.
I think of you when the leaves blow across the sidewalks. When I pass snow-covered sledding hills, when I dance in the rain with my tongue out, yelling with joy about gumdrops. When I’m catching a little sun and the birds are chirping. You still make it with me through every season.
I still love you every day.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life: BS-Free Wisdom to Ignite Your Inner Badass and Live the Life You Deserve.
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