The past three months have been ineffable. There’ve been no words.
Nothing to write. Nothing to talk about, just feelings and sitting in them so deeply lost, praying and meditating for guidance and wisdom.
So here I am, attempting three months in to make sense of my becoming, trying to use my hindsight to see the truth, to recognize the seeds that I’ve been planting for years, every step of the way.
In the summer of 2017, I hurt a good, kind, loving person who was doing the absolute best he could.
While I deeply regret my actions and realized long ago they could not be undone, our exchange led me to a place I already knew very well…I call it “naked, on my knees, in the mud.”
Yes, I’d been exactly there before, but I’d never involved another. All my visits to this ugly place before had been solitary.
This time in the depths of this molten, hot hell, I vowed to never hurt others in my own pain again.
The unraveling that has taken place in my life since then, the process of facing my own high, thick, steel walls that were surrounding my heart and, ultimately, stealing my power — whew, this has been no joke!
Healing in solitude is easy.
Coming out from that hiding with no armor around my heart at all and learning to relate from that completely open, vulnerable, transparent, loving place with no fear…this work is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life!
But knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, from the deepest place in my wide-open, completely unshielded, always safe, totally loving heart that my children deserve, not a mother of words, but a role model of loving action, this is my mission in life.
This is why I do absolutely everything I do.
I remind myself often that I didn’t create my family inside my womb, that the loving vibration of my heart found that of my precious children across the miles. Sperm didn’t just meet egg to make my family. Incredible obstacles were overcome when our hearts connected.
In the connection of our heart’s vibration, a sacred agreement was enacted to heal together back to the perfection of Oneness, to the truth of unconditional love and to the power of our GodSelves.
This work is fucking hard and often I want to go back to my solitary suburban condo where I pretended my heart didn’t have massive high, steel walls. But damn it, here I am, leaning the fuck in to my discomfort in the best and only way I know how because my children deserve a planet that does not hide from one another — that is open, transparent, loving, and harmonious.
My words mean nothing to my children. My actions mean everything and my vibration is the truth.
May my children and all who I am blessed to share time and space with, feel the vibration of my open, loving heart.
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