I am grateful and honored to have been given permission by my best friend to share this letter and use her real first name. Thank you Kalashree. This is real life. This is our lived truth. This is us. Let’s not hide anymore.
So they say, so you’ve said, about a million times that you have bipolar disorder. To them, and to you, I say the following, and I pray you can really hear me — fuck you.
How dare they? How dare you? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or broken in you.
You got unreasonably angry one day. And you slammed my door so hard my entire house shook. And you said it was because of your bipolar disorder. No sweetheart. You were just angry. No, sweetheart, I’ve done things I’m not proud of when I’m angry, too.
You went to Sri Lanka in what you call your “manic state.” You went around saying “weird things” to people. You stripped down to your underwear and walked around the city. You got arrested. And yet, you had the sense and the courage to cover yourself in feces to prevent yourself from being raped in prison.
How is this mania? How is this weird? Why do you only see pieces of yourself and not the whole of you?
Sometimes you tell me that you feel really low. Sometimes you tell me you feel really high. My love, you’ve always been a feeler of infinite capacity. Did you forget that it was you who taught me what love looks like? Did you forget that you taught me what compassion sounds like? Did you forget that it is you who set me on my path to my own true work in the world?
I’m so deeply sorry that you are born into a world that failed you. Failed to love you. Failed to take care of you. Failed to understand you. Failed to accept you. I’m so sorry. But this bipolar disorder is one more burden that I will simply not allow you to carry.
I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt you. It does. I’m not saying you’re normal. You have never been normal. But normal is one more burden that I will never let you carry. I will burn this entire planet down if I have to, but you will not carry the burden of needing to be normal.
Please be patient with me, love. I’m learning a new way of relating, too. I might not say things in the way you need to hear them. I might not be able to always meet you where you need to be met. I might not always come to your rescue.
However, this I can promise you — I will never see you the way they do. Even when you get frustrated with me because you think I’m just in denial.
This I can promise you — I will hold the vision of the true you even when you can’t.
This I can promise you — there will come a day when you will no longer need your medication.
This I can promise you — on that day I will say, “I told you so.” And I will say it with even more pride for you in my heart than I have currently.
I have never been more furious than on that day when they diagnosed you with everything they could — schizophrenia, mania, bipolar. It’s like you were a restaurant and they took their own menu inside your walls. And as if that wasn’t traumatizing enough, they proceeded to blame you for not being able to make their dishes.
Remember this my beautiful woman — no one has known you better than I have. No one has been a bigger witness to your life than me. So, all those so-called experts? They can take their diagnosis and shove it.
Allow me to “diagnose” you. Sorry, allow me to announce you. I announce you as my best friend, a deep listener, a brilliant intuitive, a woman full of feeling, and a woman who’s experienced a lot of life.
Let them watch as we create a new world together. Our world. Where our way of life is one about love, care, understanding, and relating. Where our way of life is not about classifying or boxing people in, but about liberating them from said box. Where our way of life respects that not one or many persons can “diagnose” anybody and play a false god. But, instead, one or many persons can heal everybody and be a true god.
Let them watch, my soul sister. Let them criticize. Let them throw their tantrums. Allow them the space to be them. Because, remember, that is something you were denied.
And let us show them the way. Show them the way to home. That is to say, show them the way back to love.
Trust us, my soul friend. We will figure this out. Trust our 17-year friendship. Come back to this always. You will always have a home here. We are in this together. You are not alone.
So, because I know you. Because I know you still need to hear it. Let me say it clearly.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Dilshad’s Heart Howl: With every thought, every word, and every deed may I create heaven on earth.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life: BS-Free Wisdom to Ignite Your Inner Badass and Live the Life You Deserve.
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