Since I was a child, I always noticed and admired people that could command a sense of calm and peace and by doing that, they were authoritative without having to speak.
I always wanted to gain that capacity because to me that is the only way of living fully and joyfully.
Well, I also noticed that I couldn’t find anybody like that in my family — just the opposite. I was mainly surrounded by reactive people who couldn’t miss an opportunity to speak up, with the purpose of wounding me or anybody around them. At times, it was really tough.
I was Born Super Sensitive
I was possibly perceiving this because I have always been a super sensitive and empathic person. Therefore, most of the time, I felt like a little boat in the middle of the Atlantic ocean when it is rough; the best I could feel was when no wind would blow and I only had to adjust to the gentle lull of the sea.
I was determined to gain that poise that I so admired in people I would encounter now and then. At times, they would appear in my life and I had an opportunity to feel their energy and anchor it in my body to remember it when the storm would start again.
Growing up, I became more selective in perceiving people’s energy and the more experiences I had, the more competent I became in recognising the type of person in front of me.
Sometimes I even succeeded in being in that calm myself for short periods of time, but only in the presence of gentle people with whom I could lower my guard and feel myself without having to prepare for battle.
Little by little though, I noticed that I got better at it and that there were other people like me out there with whom I could have a peaceful relationship, or at least peaceful conversations. They were rare but they existed, they weren’t just a concept of my mind, so I never lost hope to be able one day to be one of them myself.
I can’t honestly say that I have arrived at my destination, but sometimes I feel very pleased with myself as I feel successful at it.
I am managing my energy much better these days. At times I can even master it. I notice when I am out of kilter and I bring myself back to centre consciously without waiting to go completely out of balance and then start feeling bad about myself or the way I interact with others.
The Importance of One’s Values
I would have loved to read something like this when I was in the sea of disbelief and felt lost, when my emotions were playing havoc in my body, mind, and spirit — and I would have loved to find somebody who could sit me down and tell me what was going on.
The feeling of freedom and peace can only come when we are aligned with our own values and therefore doing something we love, thinking good thoughts in line with our values, and speaking accordingly to what we feel in the moment.
To be able to do that, we have to discover first what our values are and consequently adjust our life in a way that we feel aligned with them. Otherwise, there will never be peace.
It is unnatural to live according to somebody else’s values, but so many of us do exactly that every day — including me at times.
It should be the easiest thing to do, if we were guided since a young age to explore our world, rather than making our world acceptable for the rest of the society. But most of us have very likely undergone such a conditioning process that now we don’t even know anymore what we like and value. And it’s very possible that we value things that have been insidiously sold to us as good, likable, and attractive, rather than inquiring what it is that we actually like and want.
If only few decades ago somebody had told me this, I would have started my own quest much earlier, rather than discovering it in my early 40s!
I have to consider myself lucky though, as there are people who never even think about this, so I can’t really complain that I lost a lot of time. But to be completely honest, I am realising that only in my last decade has my quest gone to a much deeper level.
The Confusing Realm of Emotions
So the question is: can I have peace of mind in every moment of my life?
I would like to be able to answer yes to this question, but in fact, the honest answer would be: yes and no.
To be able to answer yes, it would mean that one can be totally present all of the time — which isn’t something I have found in any person I have come across so far.
There might exist somebody out there, somewhere, but he or she has avoided me until now. I wish I could encounter them because I would like to ask them that question myself!
Even if we cannot be present with ourselves 100% of the time, we can at least strive to be present most of the time. That, for me, would be already good enough!
Why is being present so important?
Have you ever noticed when you are at the mercy of a strong emotion how you think, act, and deal with yourself and other people?
Very likely, you might think things about others that are not true, that are simply your projections on them of some unresolved issues of yours. You might act abruptly and unkindly hurt their feelings for no good reason except that the emotions have taken over!
By the way, forget about being able to be strategic and plan anything in an intelligent way, you simply can’t!
In moments like those, peace and calm become something alien and impossible to achieve and all we do is go around like “headless chickens.”
This is definitely applicable to me and I can say that I have observed this so many times that I know this path very, very well.
What I was admiring in those precious and rare people when I was a child is something totally different though. That is that lovely sense of calm and joy that comes out only from an open heart and mind when one knows oneself perfectly well and knows what to do in case one is going out of kilter.
Peace and Presence
What is the secret to reach such a state?
To be present.
There isn’t any other answer and by now, I know that this is the answer and nothing else.
But what does being present mean?
That is the tricky question because the answer varies from person to person according to one’s personality and life experience.
This is my answer, and I hope that it might help you find your own inner calm and peace, as it is definitely something worthwhile to aim for.
- When I notice that emotions are getting the upper hand with me and I start feeling like I’m ‘panting’ so to speak — not just physically, but also emotionally and psychologically — I go back to my breathing. I feel my belly filling with air and rising. Simply noticing this act that we do unconsciously most of the time helps me get back to my centre.
- Another thing that helps me regain my cool is noticing my thoughts in the moment — and forcing them out of my mind by replacing them with others that can help me go back to my inner peace. Whenever the irritating thoughts come back, I chase them away again until they are gone and I can focus on something else. The more we can do that at will, the easier it gets until we can make it happen on auto-pilot.
Yes, instead of having a “destructive auto-pilot” system you choose a different one that brings peace to you rather than making you react to the world.
Am I doing this all the time? No, I wish I were there already. But if it took me decades to arrive here, it might take me only years to succeed in making this process my default one.
In the beginning, you might find it useful to use thoughts that naturally put you in a state of calm and use those thoughts as anchors to facilitate the process.
Does it work?
What I have described here might sound simplistic, but it is very effective whenever I do it. What might be tricky is having the will to take myself out of the “madness feeling” and go back to my centre. Why? You have to remember that decades of thinking in a certain way has created some pathways in your brain that have become your default response to anything that happens to you. Therefore, you have to force yourself to change those pathways because you want something different in your life.
No, it’s not easy to do this — especially in the beginning — but it is so rewarding. I can’t find anything more rewarding than this!
• • •
A similar result happens with menstrual awareness: you might find it annoying and useless to track your cycle every month, but if you persist and continue, you will discover little by little that you are becoming very knowledgeable about your body/mind to a point that you will surprise yourself.
Why do I say this? Because I know it, I have tracked my female cycle since the beginning and, even if I didn’t know in the beginning what I now know, I have become so familiar with “the rules of the house” that I have made order in my house and I have readjusted it many times to serve me and what I want in my life.
I am no longer a victim of my emotions or of my cycle as both of them have become my best friends!
What about you? Are your emotions and your cycle your best friends?
If you would like to find out more about my work with women and the female cycle you can check out Flying Inspiration.
If you would like help in making your cycle your best friend, feel free to contact me and ask your questions.