Allow me to start with a preview…

I am a passionate spirit and woman.

I have always been.

I burn of passion.

Somewhere along my life’s journey I forgot who I was.

I allowed others to leave their fingerprints in my psyche, as if they were mine.

But my soul blueprint is different.

I know who I am at my core.

My essence has never left me, no matter how many challenges and tribulations I have been through. No matter the disappointments and lack of love I have experienced from those close to me—and from myself.

I started down a path never traveled before by anyone more than a year ago, because I think we all have to create our paths and walk on them one day at a time.

In doing so, I am slowly discovering myself in those lost layers of my being. I am getting in touch with those parts of me which were condemned, shamed, criticized, and labeled as dirty by others—and by me.

The way I see my journey is so nourishing and opening and deepening that when I encounter men or people in general that make me feel small or like something is wrong with me, I remove myself from them because I have learned to not allow anyone to define me or tell me who I am anymore.

If I am “too much” for someone or they perceive me as “threatening”—or whatever way they see and perceive me—I prefer to remove myself from them.

I desire to be surrounded by those that simply get me and that allow me to BE as I am in all my colors of manifestations.

I don’t want to waste more time explaining my spirit to others. I am pretty transparent. Others can see me or they can’t. And that is not my issue anymore.

Dear future lover, I want you to know that I won’t be easy. Not because I like to play difficult but because my heart and trust has been broken so many times—and I have caused myself so much pain the past.

I want you to know that I have made my inner well-being my priority. When I am well, I can be there for others and nourish them to be well. Not the way around. It took me a while to get to this place of understanding.

I can be sharp, straightforward, and bold. If you cannot handle that, I am not for you.

I have committed to an authentic life and if you cannot handle being true to yourself and to me, it won’t work out, so I will have to set you and myself free.

I want you to know that even though I am not an “average” or “classic” type of woman.

I am full of different colors, full of passion for life and have so many dreams. If you can be there as the protector of my dreams and heart and the supporter of my dreams, you will always have a place inside my heart. Not to put any conditions on you, but if you could manage to love me in this way, which is the way I need and crave…my being will blossom even more.

When it comes to love and sex, I want you to know that I don’t see sex as many adults see it nowadays. For me, sex is a very intimate and nourishing space for both partners or it is nothing at all.

The adults of today we are fooling ourselves most of the times. Because we cannot truly really fuck or make love to someone if we have not invited them first into a space of genuine soul-to-soul foreplay—in total presence and vulnerability with each other.

I want you to fuck me, yes. But could you fuck me in such a way that makes my skin shiver while holding my fast-beating heart in your palms as it melts inside your being…feeding you a delicious food that only my heart knows how to?

I crave hands that slowly navigate my curves with curiosity as they slide in hidden places I have not allowed anyone to enter me before.

Because it’s dark sometimes in those places.

Not only that, those places have seen traumas I don’t even remember.

Those places in my body have experienced pain and abuse I cannot clearly recall.

My body is ancient. It has taken many forms and shapes. It has been through the ebbs and flow of life. It has touched pain, experienced rivers of tears, and has survived still.

My body used a language only I can understand. Because no lover has ever attempted before to observe my body as they caress its skin or see how it responded to touches and strokes. How my tides get pulled and form stars in the air when there is joy inside my heart.

Our bodies are wise. They record information we receive from those we share our sensual and sexual energies with. Our bodies remember how they have been treated and they know what they receive from our lovers. Because they are feeling mechanisms and so much more.

I want you to know that you cannot fuck me in those places where there is dark and I hide away, if you have not first fucked and stimulated my mind with your total presence and your complete vulnerability and genuineness. Those places will not open if they don’t feel safe, seen, or heard with admiration and respect.

You cannot enter my body fully if you have not taken a ride inside my mind, craving to understand or observe how the seasons come and go from my brains. How leaves die and the night sky falls upon me, leaving me with no stars sometimes. How my feelings respond to touch.

When we use the word “fuck” in love, making it actually amplifies the desire to be penetrated so deeply not only with a penis or fingers but with the entire being of someone who is pulling the tides of our inner desires, dirty fantasies, and deep cravings of the heart.

But we can never fuck or penetrate someone hard enough physically if we have not dared to enter their mind…stimulate their imagination…have foreplay with their thoughts while sharing ours…in those places where the erotic selves hides…

Finally I want you to know that I am a woman in process…I am not a finished product…I will be always shape shifting, transforming and changing along the way to meet my full potential in love, in life, in sex, and in all dimensions of my existence.

Photo by We-Vibe WOW Tech on Unsplash

For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom.