When We Experience A Crack Inside Our Hearts & The Ink Starts Spilling All Over…

ink darkness hold space


You don’t know what happens to me and I don’t know what happens to you when we experience a crack inside our hearts.

When the ink inside me starts spilling all over my arteries like a dark pool without a container.

Nor do we know what happens within each other when we fall into some dark invisible holes inside.

So can we just be there for each other, simply holding a silent space when we fall? Can you allow me to fall? Can I allow you to fall?

When I experience a hole inside my being, I don’t need to be told that “all is okay,” or “don’t worry,” or “think positive,” or “you must change your inner narrative,” or “you will make it through.”

Please just stop that bullshit.

When I experience a hole inside my being, you don’t know what it’s like. How it feels to me.

You don’t know how an invisible spoon stirs my heart, cooking some dish I know nothing of, with some type of herbs and fragrances that I am not familiar with.

I just need space to be in that hole.

For as long as I need to…until I am being pulled out of it on its own accord by another part of my being that is my superhero.

But until then, allow me to be.

I need to allow myself to cry, grieve, get sad, and think of things that make no sense and cry some more.

I need not change what I am experiencing when holes build within me as missing pieces of an invisible puzzle.

I may need to fall into those dark holes sometimes and see what’s in there.

You cannot always tell when someone is going through something.

The truth is, sometimes we don’t know the exact answer. Or we don’t know at all. And not knowing may piss us off. It may make us tremble and get afraid.

Numbing my sadness with positive thinking is not my way of life and living. It does not work for me. It never did.

Do I try to run away from my vulnerable heart and fragile (yet powerful) mind of mine sometimes? Yes, I do.

I want to run the fuck away from everyone and everything. Because when I fall into this hole of despair I literally hate being around anyone. Everyone and everything feels alien to me. I cannot grasp conversations or laughter among others. I just need to be gone for a while. Far away in my mind space…or physically away from everyone.

Because the feelings inside my landscape get heavy and dark and perhaps the main reason I want to run away is because I don’t want others to see that I also hold dark colors inside—not just creative bright ones.

I don’t want to feel powerless.

When you work hard to create your own inner and outer empire and then parts of it start to crumble, you don’t feel like seeing that or maybe you don’t want others to see that.

Recently, I have been experiencing these holes within me and how I fall into them. The fall does not hurt me…seeing what’s there does…!

And realizing the truth—that once in a while, I may need to fall into my dark inner holes—makes me feel very vulnerable. Because I understand my brain is wired differently. My brain may invite me into its pain and make me sit my empowered ass on the floor. It might make me realize that well within me there is pain and sadness that I still carry, that will be activated anytime it needs to for a deeper healing or deeper insight to take place.

It’s like I realize I have to live with my holes my entire life. And accept them as part of me and my creation…that I cannot run from but hold space for.

So I am learning to hold space for sadness and depression within me, as I hold space for creative genius work and magical self-expression through dance, writing, and more.

If I don’t hold space for my sadness, who will?

If I don’t hold space when the hole of depression takes me in, who will ?

If I don’t allow the dark holes within me show me my inner darkness, who will?

If I don’t show compassion and radical self acceptance towards my most fragile parts, who will?

If I refuse to embrace the fact that I will have to accept my inner sadness or depression as I accept my inner enlightenment, then who will do that for me?

No one.

We talk and write so much about vulnerability. But to experience it and show others your ugly tears or your messy brain that shuts off like a computer at times, when the dark holes make you fall in, that takes some big balls. And sometimes I don’t have them. Sometimes I don’t have the courage to share all of me.

These holes within me.

It’s too dark in there. I am scared to show others or to invite them in.

I shall go there alone.

Because it fucking hurts.

And sometimes others cannot understand.

The best way to help someone that is falling into this space of their inner world is to hold space for them to be.

Not numb them with spiritual bullshit concepts that sometimes don’t work and sometimes make you more confused than clear.

Sometimes we need to cry our ugly tears, scream our unspoken thoughts, roll on the ground when it hurts. Isolate ourselves with our headphones and music for a while. Get the fuck away from everyone and everything for a while. Show our friends that we can be weird…that we can be strange in our ways of coping with life issues. Show our wounded inner child that is confused and feels not seen…and more.

It take guts to allow all of this on the surface.

Bidding behind any form of “spirituality” is not going to help us on the long run.

We need to bring on the surface our inner dark holes and say, “I am falling into this hole right now…it’s dark there and I don’t understand the whole reason why but I need space to be…just be in this hole and see what’s there…can you hold space for me?”

Other people will think you are mad at them. Their inner child will think your self-isolation is about them.

So then we have a bunch of little children being triggered by each other wanting to speak up truth we as adults don’t want to hear.

Seeing me falling into my dark hole, my friends asked me if I was mad at them and if I wanted to talk, or if they did something wrong?

As adults we need to allow others space to mess up, fuck up, fall into dark holes and hold space for them without making it a personal experience. And sometimes it’s hard. Because we are always in the process of getting to know ourselves and others…constantly.

We are a bunch of strangers…living together, making sense of our human spirit and human relationships and discovering parts of ourselves we did not know existed and thus discovering others at the same time.

We are all a discovery in process. A never ending work of creation!

Our inner holes are there to show us the way to the most authentic parts of our spirits and it’s not always comfortable.

Photo by Yohann LIBOT on Unsplash

For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends The She Book v.2 by Tanya Markul.

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Ilda is a free spirit. She was born with an urge to taste life in all possible ways. She is learning to squeeze the juice out of every single moment even in the most challanging times. She is an artist, writer, poet, a beginner painter and a dancer. She is an advocate for all things and people with essence that want to make a difference and bring change in the world. Ilda is the author of one self-published book on Amazon titled It is You searching for You, a collection of poems and reflections for a life gone and the seach to build a new one. Ilda is working on her second book-project called "All the wrong men she loved" - a book for both women and men about the tides and ebbs of love relationships. You can find her on Instagram or Facebook.

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