So many of them.
Asking, “How many more ways can this year break our fucking hearts?”
The weight of the world becoming too much for us to carry.
So I carry it in my heart.
Finding myself doing something on a Saturday night that I never want to do again.
But it eases the painful burden of those hurting far more than my heart, here on the outskirts.
And I do it willingly, hoping it helps. Even if only in the tiniest of ways.
Because it’s all I have to offer. The only thing I have to give.
There is a staggering beauty in the gathering of hearts.
Hearts connecting in pain and sadness and loss.
And that love and support is beautiful in one moment…
Helping us all through the day with the shared experience of grief.
And in the very next moment, it is overwhelming and devastating.
Causing me to look for an escape.
To get out of it, numb it, turn away from it, avoid it however I can.
When I know the only true way is to walk through it and feel it all.
There is no other way.
How many more ways will this year break our fucking hearts?
How do we keep our hurting hearts open?
How do we lift each other up when we are each struggling under the weight of our own pain?
I want to go back.
I want to see the beauty in the world again.
The hope and potential in our youngest souls preparing for their futures.
Not just trying to figure out a new way of learning…let alone a whole new world.
Growing up in a time that robs them of their innocence and leaves us all questioning.
How do we focus on the love in the gathering of hearts?
Instead of the heartbreaking reason they are gathering?
The amount of pain our hearts can withstand, surpassed only by the love they can hold.
Despite their bruises.
Despite their cracks.
Despite all the other hurts tucked away in the corners, pushed aside to make room for this new one.
Looking to each other for solace. For comfort. For reassurance. For love.
Recognizing our own pain in each other’s eyes.
But underneath the pain, there is love.
And therein lies our answer.
Our answer to why we must sit in and wade through the darkness and pain.
Why we can’t avoid it.
Because only by coming undone can we return to love.
Only by allowing ourselves to feel the pain can we then feel the hope.
Only by being vulnerable with each other can we then open our hearts again.
Only by letting go will we make it through.
How many more ways can this year break our fucking hearts?
As many ways as it takes until we are broken open and have completely surrendered to all that life is offering us…
The love, the beauty…and the fucking pain.
For more self-study, The Urban Howl recommends Heart Minded: How to Hold Yourself and Others in Love by Sarah Blondin.