Life is a beach and then you fry…
Life always knows best, doesn’t it?
How many times have you found yourself totally caught out when you thought you had it all planned and sorted out?
Or worked for years towards a goal that you thought would make a huge change in your life just to find out years later that actually you didn’t want it any more. Or circumstances changed so much that it didn’t make any sense to pursue it any longer?
They say ‘Life is a bitch and then you die!’ Well I prefer: ‘Life is a beach and then you fry!’ as I love being by the sea and feeling the sun on my skin.
I definitely have ‘fried’ several times in my life or I should say burnt out.
I’ve felt aimless, lost, disheartened, and thought I was at the end of my rope.
That rope though seemed to grow unexpectedly and I had to hang onto it for another while trying to figure out where I was, what I was supposed to do, or where I wanted to go.
Being nobody going nowhere
At a Dharma talk at a Buddhist monastery near where I live last month, I heard this saying that struck a chord with me: ‘Being a nobody going nowhere.’ I think that this Zen statement would definitely depict me at the moment.
Sometimes being at a crossing point where one has to decide what to do or where to go next, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of feeling like a victim of circumstances or events. The desire to sulk arises, to feel despondent not even knowing against whom or what. Just a feeling of having enough!
I found myself several times on this slippery road called victimhood because that is what I absorbed at an early age.
My unconscious mind was still very open and influenced by everything around me and by my family environment.
It was an environment that I couldn’t control or understand, as it is for all kids. We are victims of it, because there is really nothing we can do about it. It’s only later in life during our teenage years that our inner self starts the process of individualization. Slowly, slowly, we start forming an opinion about ourselves, everyone and everything. Only then, we start to have a better picture of what life is, even if we rebel against everything under the sun. We get an idea of what our family is like, and about the dynamics of its members.
When I was going through my own individualization process I fought terribly against all my family members that I perceived very different from me. Basically I started feeling like an alien fallen to Earth and that feeling never left me to these days.
The slippery road to victimhood
It is so easy to start thinking that we are powerless and can’t get what we want or make ourselves heard and acknowledged. These are good premises to start forming a victimhood mentality and attitude to life.
A part of me unconsciously subscribed to it. But at the same time, there is also another part of me who always rebelled against it. I thought I could do something about anything no matter what.
That feisty warrior hasn’t disappeared, she has actually grown throughout my life. Whenever the other part of me peeps up, because something knocks me down, the warrior comes up and gets going with a vengeance to rescue the little girl in me that is gasping for air and feels hopeless.
Sometimes the little girl is very persuasive and almost convinces the warrior to leave the battle. My warrior is a hard-to-die type of warrior and so far she has always come back home holding her shield, not on the shield. If not totally victorious at least she was still alive and kicking! Not too bad for over half a century of battles, I would say.
My inner warrior
I asked myself several times: what is it that comes up in me to wake my warrior up to go and rescue the little girl?
I think sometimes my warrior kept sleeping and didn’t hear the call. Maybe she pretended to sleep because she thought it wasn’t necessary to go to the rescue. Most of the time, she did kick into action and fought vehemently and passionately, as if it were the last battle of her life.
Generally, it is injustice that wakes my warrior up, unconsciousness, incongruence, or simply untruthfulness.
The amount of energy and resourcefulness that my warrior brings impresses and surprises me. My self-confidence has grown. The energy has become slowly, slowly something solid and tangible, not just an idea in my mind.
In the last few years, I have started experiencing a different part of myself, as I slowly but steadily approach menopause. It is this amazing warrior that is coming back to the forefront, showing up at the least expected moments. A warrior acting with radical and brutal honesty, no matter what.
I can’t say that I have total control over this warrior, most of the time she has the best part of me and I follow suit.
She speaks out loud and with authority and doesn’t compromise easily.
Because she has the upper part in this inner battle, the old self — inclined towards victimhood — is fading away. An enormous hunger for life and adventure is slipping into my existence without me even taking much notice.
This is an interesting time, definitely unpredictable and much needed, especially in these uncertain times. We are living where justice and honesty are shunned and left astray more often than not.
If I had to locate my inner warrior in one of my ‘inner seasons’ of my female cycle it would certainly feel at home in my ‘inner autumn’ where my unconscious self starts making herself heard more. My feminine nature comes back to the stage showing all the main aspects that wait to be met and considered for me to become whole again. I learn to follow my inner wisdom.
If you would like to discover more about your ‘inner seasons’ to prepare yourself for your menopause or to face your menopause happening already in your life, check my work with women on www.flyinginspiration.com. Invest in yourself to become whole, nobody can do that but you!