Forty-six Years Away From Home — Josie edited


I’m three.
Who does this to little kids.
All is love.
This is love.
It hurts.
I don’t like it.
I don’t like you.
I don’t like me.
We hurt together.
You left you long ago.
I feel your sadness, your loneliness, your shame, your pain.
I feel it rubbing off on me.
It’s a disease.
It’s contagious.
You gave it to me.
A curse I cannot escape.
It’s spreading.
It’s eating me alive.
You hurt you, you hurt me, now I hurt me too.
For forty-six years.
The three-year-old’s version of love.
The icky, sticky, smelly, dark, impervious, pervasive, black hole of “love.”
Let me get lost in you.
Distracted by you.
If I am in you, the hurt in me cannot be real.
Forty-six years away from home.
Time to come home.
Time to return.
Finally safe.
I’m so sorry, three.
Please forgive me, three.
I left you there for forty-six years alone in the darkness of others.
Forgive me.
It was easier.
I didn’t know how to save you.
I didn’t know I had abandoned you so fully.
I didn’t realize you were so alone, still alone.
I would have saved you had I known.
I’m so sorry.
Please forgive me.
I’m here now.
I’ll never leave again.
You are free.
It is safe.
No one will ever hurt you again.
I love you.
And no one gets in ever again unless they love you too.
With a simple “oh baby.” in your arms.

Christie Del Vesco

Christie Del Vesco is a College Administrator and Professor, a Universalist Minister, a member of the RAINN (Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network) Speakers Bureau and single mom. She's a survivor, a thriver, a seeker, a rebel and a teacher. Chris is a firm believer that we go through what we do, to help others when they go through the same. She also believes that we would all just be the change, we can change the world. You can find more of Chris' writings on Facebook, and more information on her courses, workshops, support groups and community offerings can be found here.

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